Exercising is hard, exercising faith is harder.

I don't like to exercise. I have to have a personal trainer to motivate me, otherwise riding bikes and walking the dog are as good as it gets for me right now. Exercise is hard.

But exercising faith is harder!

Last week we spent a week at the beach as a family. It was wonderful! I forgot how many bridges there are connecting the costal waterways of the Florida panhandle until my husband (the navigator) said calmly, "Turn left and go over the bridge and you'll see the hotel on the right."

My heart immediately started racing. Did he say BRIDGE?

With sweaty palms, I turned off the radio, cranked up the A/C and started ranting about how much I disliked driving over bridges. Then I realized the kids were actually listening, and I became fearless and brave. Ha ha ha. I want to teach them to deal with their fears, so watching Mommy conquer hers is a good opportunity!

It wasn't a huge bridge like my soaring imagination created.

(Have you ever driven over a huge, high bridge?  All I can think about is soaring over the edge into the water below-- too many movies???!!!)

It's terrifying, y'all.

Anyway, I drove over it to get to the nice hotel we were staying at. It was worth it.

The next morning, I had to drive over that same bridge and a few others to get around town. It was still scary, but each day was less and less terrifying.

That's when I had the title to this blog post pop in my head. When I was driving over the bridge for the first time, I started thinking about exercising faith. I had to put my faith into action by driving over the bridge. I didn't like it, but I exercised my faith when I drove over it.

I could've pulled over and had my husband take the wheel.

I could've panicked and screamed the whole way over.

I could've turned around.

But exercising our faith is the point!

If I have faith, but don't exercise it, it's useless to me.

Like a muscle group you haven't strengthened (most of mine lately), faith has to be exercised to be useful and meaningful.

So I welcomed the opportunity to exercise faith at the beach everyday. ;)

Then I thought about our Ethiopia adoption process. It's getting longer, ya'll. 4-6 years now.

Did I already mention that in earlier posts? Probably. Sorry.

But I'm choosing to exercise my faith.

Sometimes it's a weak faith; "Lord, I'll be so old to have another baby in the house! Why are you making it take so long?"

Sometimes is a powerhouse faith; "Lord, I don't know why it's taking so long, but I trust you completely."

Sometimes it's an encouraging faith; "Lord, I learned so much from Emily's adoption, I know you have this and I give it to you."

Sometimes it's an obedient faith; "Lord, yes, I'll adopt again."

How does faith manifest itself in your circumstances? What kind of faith are you exercising? Is it weak, powerhouse, encouraging, obedient? All of the above? None?

Are you lacking faith in an area of your life that God really wants you to lay it down? (Hint: the one you're avoiding is probably it!) ;)

My friend asked me how I am managing a long wait for this second adoption.

I am managing in a couple of ways, the first is focusing on where I am NOW- the Lord has filled my life with four children to train and teach about His ways. I'm occupied in the meantime.

Secondly, I'm focusing on obedience in my walk with God right now. I've obeyed His call on our family to adopt again. I've obeyed His call to Ethiopia through my husband's specific calling there. I've obeyed the agency and completed a Dossier. Now I'm obeying God by waiting patiently.

These two things- focusing on where I'm at NOW and obeying God daily are really helping me through this journey.

Please pray for Ethiopia to remain open and ethical adoptions to continue there. Please pray for our family as we seek to obey God in the waiting.

The Process of Becoming

I am reading this fantastic storybook to my kids called "Kingdom Tales." It came with the curriculum in My Father's World and it's fabulous.

In it, all of the characters that enter the Kingdom go through the fire and become their true selves. The young tomboy girl walks through the fire and becomes Princess. The fearful, scarred boy walks through the fire and becomes Hero. The old, feeble Caretaker walks though the fire and becomes the King. You get the idea. When you walk through the fire you become your true self. In the book, this process is called "Becoming."

Becoming.

I like that.

We are becoming more like him, day by day.

But we won't be perfect until He returns.

Lately the Lord has really been working on my Becoming. What I mean is that He really is interested in ME becoming more like HIM. And when I say he's interested in it, I mean He's REALLY interested in it. In fact, he obsesses over it.  Obsesses over me transforming into being more like HIM.

Confused yet?

It's weird, I know.

I heard this part of a sermon last Thursday that I can't shake. The pastor (sorry, I don't know who it was or anything) said something to the effect of "God is using YOUR circumstances to make you more like him. You may think it's a mistake, you may think this isn't where you're supposed to be or what you're supposed to be doing, but it is actually God using your situation to make you more like him. This is his GRACE that he is showing you. You see, we tend to think of grace as warm and fuzzy and lovely (which it IS) but it's also HARD and CHALLENGING and TRYING sometimes. And that's God's GRACE in your life when you accept where He has you, so He can accomplish HIS purpose in you."

I butchered that paraphrase, but you get the idea.

And it hit me like a rock in that moment. I've been resisting God for so long on this motherhood journey. I've resisted it like a two year old throwing a tantrum. I've resisted HIS GRACE. But He is showing me grace by giving me what I need to become more like Him. And there is beauty in that. So much beauty!

You see, I really shouldn't have four children. I shouldn't be adopting more.

Because I'm just TOO angry.

Too mean.

Too relentless.

Too prideful.

Too moody.

Too belittling.

Too petty.

I'm too much of everything I shouldn't be.

And don't you know, God knew it?

God, in HIS GRACE, is using my circumstance to refine me. He's actually using it! You know how I know?

Because I'm LESS angry than I used to be.

I'm less mean than I used to be.

I'm more relenting than I used to be.

I'm learning how to be more humble in spirit, but I BATTLE my pride daily still.

I'm less moody (except for that one week).

I don't belittle as much and when I do start to do it, I notice it.

Instead of feeling like I just need to survive this season, why don't I boast in the fact that God is doing amazing things through me in it?

Because he is.

And that is His GRACE.

And yes, I feel the need to capitalize it every time I type the word because, well, we SHOULD be capitalizing on HIS GRACE in us every minute. Every small victory. Every great loss. Every apt word. Every thing is literally covered, smothered like a chicken casserole in his GREAT GRACE.

His Mercy.

His Love.

His Hand.

His Beauty in us.

We are all BECOMING. I am becoming more like Jesus as I serve my family in the day to day tasks, the small, unseen things, the obedience of teaching at home.

 In the book, we see the true self of the characters come through as they walk through the fires.

Y'all, I know that what I THINK I AM, I'm really not.

I'm really not THAT mean, angry, relentless, prideful, moody mom...

maybe this side of the fire I CAN be,

but as I walk through it, daily dying to self,

I am BECOMING something altogether different.

Lift Your Arms Up

Last week my little boy threw a tantrum. Nothing crazy, just your run of the mill, tired two year old tantrum. I was trying to get him into his pajamas as he cried angrily over something unknown to me.

 I said to him, "I know you're mad. I can see that. But I need you to lift your arms up so I can take your shirt off and get you ready for bed."

And IN HIS FIT he lifted his arms up. (This is a miracle).

And as he lifted them, his face was turning redder, his tears were still streaming down his adorable little face, and his mouth was drooling as he screamed. But he lifted his arms.

Obedience.

And I thought of myself, and my relationship with God, and I thought, how many ways do I too, have fits just like that about what God is asking me to do?

Why did God give me four (and probably five) kids when I struggle with anger? I'm gonna mess them up so bad!

Why did God ask me to homeschool all of them? They are gonna have so many gaps it's not even funny!

Why did God give me lots of kids, ask me to homeschool them, and then give me a husband who is around half the time? It's like hurky jerky around here with all this coming and going.

Because GOD knew that's exactly what Carrie Abraham needed to flesh out some things that otherwise could easily slip under the radar of "wholly submitted to God."

It took four kids to break me, y'all.

I had three down like a well-oiled machine. I was on top, I was in control, I still had it "together," if you know what I mean.

And then God gave me one more.

And everything came undone.

Literally.

I know what some of you are thinking right now.

FOUR! It took FOUR! I only have (insert your number) and I'm BROKEN!

And that's my point exactly, ladies.

What God uses to bring YOU to the point of FULL submission to His will is different for each of us. So we can all stop with the comparisons.

What God is using to refine YOU in YOUR life is different from what He uses in MINE (or hers, or his)... you get the point, right?

For me, it was four kids & homeschool; for someone else it's something entirely DIFFERENT.

And here's the point about the tantrum. God doesn't want us all cleaned up and sparkling before we come to Him with our stuff.

I know we don't like to think about coming to God in a "fit." It doesn't seem right- we should be so lovable, sweet, and nice-sounding... I mean, He's God, after all, let's make an effort!

But the truth is He wants us red faced, tears streaming down our cheeks, mouth drooling and screaming our heads off. It's not pretty, but it's real.

God wants us lifting our arms in OBEDIENCE even when we battle the idea of what He is working out in us. 

It's tough, y'all. I'm not going to lie. I have been in the trenches with this, battling this very thing for awhile now. I've been clenching my fists tighter around the thing I know God wants from me.

Am I going to OBEY God when it's uncomfortable?

Am I going to OBEY God even when my heart and mind trail behind?

Am I going to OBEY God when I can't control the OUTCOME? (And I SO like to control outcomes, you have absolutely NO idea).

Yes.

 But it's not going to be pretty. And He may have to pry open my fingers sometimes.

But I'll do it anyway.

Because somehow, even my little boy knew that lifting his arms would help him somehow.

And even when my fists are clenched, and my mind is set, and I'm resolved to control this thing...

I know, deep down, in the deepest parts of my heart, that lifting my arms to God is all I can do.

And THAT is enough.

From Military Brat to Wannabe Local: Lessons Learned While Staying Put

January of 2014 will mark seven years for us here in Clarksville, TN.

The longest we've ever lived anywhere, ever.

We lived in Okinawa for almost five years which is tied for me with Birmingham, where I was for five years (four in college and one year post-college before Chris and I got married).

So seven years feels long. And monumental, in a way.

Growing up a military brat, both hubs and I moved every 2-3 years. We've lived all over the world.
We loved it. We wouldn't trade it for anything and constantly refer back to it as a great gift our parents gave us. So all you Marine and Army wives that I know can chillax. Your kids are going to be FINE. Look at us! ;)

I was chatting it up with my new good friend tonight at ballet and we were just sharing, sharing, sharing. You would've thought by the way we were talking that we knew each other since birth. (Which a lot of those ladies at THAT ballet class actually HAVE, people. I'm serious. It's like the Good Old Boys Club for Ladies here in the CLV. Don't get me started.)

Okay, so we were talking about everything from homeschooling well in this Advent season, to raising boys and why it's harder than raising girls (at least in these early years anyway), to our husband's line of work, to our struggles as moms, to military moves,  and even our family schedules. Yes, we covered a lot in an hour. That's what moms do. We talk fast when we can. We squeeze it in. We make it happen ASAP. Cuz who knows when the next chance will be...

And here's the thing. I've know Leigh for about a month. And when I say I've known her, what I mean is that I have been going to church and she was there and our kids have the same ballet class together. (But unlike her, I leave my toddler strapped into the carseat and don't get out of my car for an hour). She is the fun mom who brings toys in a big bag for her kids to play with while their sister dances. I throw my toddler the iPad and pray for the hour to go by fast enough so he doesn't notice he's imprisoned by a four-point harness and a minivan. So far, so good.

Again, I digress.

I HAVE A POINT!

This is it. Military spouses aren't afraid to get real and get real fast. I'm not saying other folks aren't real, I'm just suggesting that because of the constant "we're moving in a year" feeling that most military spouses feel, they tend to open themselves up much more quickly and willingly than most other people. And this, my friends, is a WONDERFUL quality. It means you don't spend a lot of time feeding at the surface of superficial bologna. "How are you?" "Good!" "How are you?" "Good!" (Which happens to be one of my pet peeves!) It means you can open up, let it all hang out, and still be accepted. At least for awhile anyway. Because those friends WILL move.

After being in one place for nearly seven years, I've become used to being the one that is left behind while the other military families move on for "the next thing." It's WAY harder to stay put and say goodbye than it is to leave. In a sense, it's easy to leave because you're moving on to something different, and it's change, and it's new and exciting.

Also, I learned something a few years ago that has really stayed with me and has been a great lesson to me. I had a major falling out with an acquaintance and she moved. We reconciled a little before she left, but it wasn't a full reconciliation. I spent hours, days, weeks, and many conversations seeking Godly counsel over that fallout and came to terms with it eventually. It was not pretty. (Those refining fires never are!) Eventually I got over it. We were only acquaintances anyway... what's the big deal? I don't know, the fallout just had a major affect on me. And the lesson I learned in all that was that PEOPLE CHANGE. But when they move in the middle of something like that, you don't always get to SEE THE CHANGE. You miss it.  And two years later, after I had long put it behind me and forgiven her, she sent me a note that said "I have finally forgiven you."

WHAM.

DUDE.

I was over it way before she ever was. And I didn't get to see the change. And that's okay. I think we need to give ourselves permission here to let others BE IN THEIR PLACE and just accept that. We don't have to be ALL waiting for THEM TO CHANGE so WE CAN BE ALL HAPPY and KOSHER. Let the Lord do His work in His time in His people. He will be faithful to do it.

And even though I wasn't expecting that note, it was a relief to me. I read in a book once that forgiving people isn't for THEM to be set free, it's FOR US to be set free. So true. So true.

I hope I haven't gone down a rabbit hole here. I know there is a more concise way of saying all that I just said. I've learned so much about staying in one place.

 I love running into people I knew six years ago in the grocery store.

I love knowing the routes to get everywhere and not having to think while I'm driving about where I'm going. (It's really nice!)

I love seeing familiar faces at the places we frequent (grocery stores, restaurants, stores). I wonder if I'm familiar to them at Target?

 I like meeting new friends that are new here and just desperate like I was seven years ago to make friends!

I love the chance to mess up and heal broken friendships and have do-overs.

I love that those who know me, can see me change and witness my growth and help remind me of it when I forget.

I love that I have friends that know the real me with the ugly cry and the shaking the fists to the heavens and the honesty that comes with it.

I think growing up I always tended to keep people at arms length in friendship because I knew we were moving. It was my defense mechanism to protect my own feelings of sadness and loss.

Now that I'm a "wannabe local" I'm over that! I enjoy putting it all out there. On the first playdate. At the first ballet class.

Sorry if you're in earshot while I'm gabbing it up with a new friend. You'll get my whole life story.

Welcome the Wait

A few days ago we received our "Favorable Determination Letter" (or FDL) in the mail from the U.S. Department of Citizenship and Immigration Services (USCIS). It was quite a moment for me, sitting alone (not) on the porch, going through the mail.

The FDL is a formal, official, pre-approval for us to adopt from Ethiopia. It's our government's way of saying, Carrie and Chris, you passed all the requirements and we will allow this. It's pretty amazing. It brought me to tears. Here's why: I can write checks and fill out forms all day long. (Okay, not really... but I mean it's not a hard thing for me- I like administrative stuff like that).

Some people are so daunted at the task of putting together a Dossier they never adopt because they can't get past the bureaucracy of it all. I can't tell you how many times I've heard people say, "Why do they make it so hard to adopt?" Well, child trafficking for starters.

But really, if you can't stand the test of people you hardly know looking into every nook and cranny of your personal, financial, and daily life then you can't handle adoption. Because that, my friends, is just the beginning of the process.

The paperwork process is a filter.

That's why there was so much joy in that moment for me. It made the paper, the payments, the bureaucracy of it all very, very real. It made it worth it. It meant, all of a sudden, after six months of paperwork and corrections, that all that work was actually FOR something. That paperwork said we are approved to adopt one boy or two, with at least one being a boy, from Ethiopia. Amazing.

Truly amazing.

And then today. Today is the day we will mark on our calendars as if it were a birthday. Today our Dossier was officially approved at our adoption (placing) agency. Today is the day we go on the Wait List at All God's Children International. Today is the day we officially join the other waiting families for our child or children. Only the Lord knows. And we trust Him. And we continue to wait.

It will be long. (2-3 years).

We will have to renew and update forms along the way. (Every 15-18 months).

We will have to pay more fees for those updates and renewals. ($85-$720)

And it will all be worth it, two or three years from now when we get that referral and bring home our son (or sons, or son and daughter!)

And then a whole new process will begin. A transition. A new family member (or two)! A new way of being this family.

And you know what I've learned? I've learned to wait well.

I've learned that the waiting is where the refining fires are. The fires that make me more like Christ; the suffering that only comes from the pain of a wait, a loss, a time without something you long for.

Makes me think of heaven. Makes me think of how I don't really long for heaven on a daily basis because I'm too caught up in the WHATEVER of the day.

So I welcome the wait. I welcome the pain of not having something our hearts have longed and will continue to long for until the day comes when the Lord completes our family through yet another adoption.

I welcome the wait because it's hard and it reminds me that we are all waiting for something this side of heaven.

Are you welcoming your wait?

theWhole30

Have you heard of theWhole30? It's hard to describe, but basically you give up sugar, dairy, carbs, alcohol, and refined foods for 30 days and see how you feel. I think the goal is to keep going because you feel so good after 30 days you just don't want to go back to your old way of eating. 

When the hubs left for this 40-day trip, I was feeling like crap-ola. I can't even tell you. I was grumpy and tired and no amount of sleep or time to myself was helping. I knew it was my diet. I knew it was what I was putting into my body that was making me tired and grumpy, but I didn't really know if I could DO theWhole30.

I had a myriad of excuses: the kids, my wine, the time it will take to eat whole foods all day long, the expense of eating "healthy" for 30 days... 

But this time, my feeling like crap-ola totally won over my excuse making.  Of course, when I messaged a few close friends and asked them to join me, they all cheered, "Hurray for you, NO WAY FOR ME!" (A few of them already eat healthy and said they would cut some things out, so they were my support group!) 

So after the hubs had been gone for one week, feeling terrible, I stayed up late one Sunday night and read all about theWhole30 and committed myself to it. 

I woke up the next morning and told the girls my decision and what it meant for me. There was my straight up accountability. For real. Tell a 6, 7, & 8 year old what you're NOT eating for 30 days and they will HOLD YOU TO IT. I knew I had to tell them or I'd be sneaking brownies in the corner.

Did I mention we're together 24/7, 3 meals a day (can you say homeschool)?!?!?

Awesome.

Don't worry, I'm not going to go into a detailed journal of my last 30 days. But I will give you the highlights. I kept caffeine, just dropped the sugar and cream. I can drink my coffee black, as long as it's good coffee like justlovecoffee or some whole beans straight from the motherland. (Ethiopia, people)!

I felt great on Day 1-4. Then I wanted to die. I stopped feeling like I wanted to die around Day 14. Then I got my groove on and was fine until Day 30.

There were good days, great recipes, and bad days, recipe fails, and eating out occasionally. Some people say that it's really hard to eat out on theWhole30 but that wasn't the case for me. At Chipotle I had a bowl with no rice or beans, lots of veggies, meat, pico, lettuce, and guacamole. It was delicious, even if I did miss the flavor of the cilantro lime rice. (But not the bloated feeling that comes with it!) At Chick-Fil-A I had a salad and left off the packets of toppings and salad dressing. That was easy. Maybe it wasn't ALL organic ALL the time, but it was better than nuggets, dipping sauce, and milkshakes! 

I'm embarrassed to admit this, but the hardest part for me was definitely the glass of wine. I didn't realize how attached I was to the wine until I had to stop. Especially when the hubs is gone, I look forward to "making it through the day" and "celebrating" with a glass or two. It's my way of saying to myself, "You did it! You homeschooled your children, got them to their activities, got them home and in the bed, now you deserve this glass of Pinot Grigio!" I did this almost everyday. I looked forward to this everyday. My kids could tell you where the wine glasses are, and where the wine is. My kids could also see very clearly that I was having a glass daily. Because the first night I stopped they said, "Mommy, where is your wine?" And at that moment I realized what it had become. It had become and idol. I propped it up and covered it up with all the accomplishments listed above, but it was an idol. And it probably took me longer to get over that one than the sugar. So sad, I know.

So hot tea became my new wine. Yes, I have two cups of black coffee in the morning and then it's hot tea in the afternoon and evening. I LOVE peppermint tea. When I was in K, we lived in Ramstein, Germany and I went to a German Kindergarten. They served hot peppermint tea there and I've loved it ever since. It's relaxing, soothing, calming. It's yummy! I also like Earl Grey, Orange Cinnamon Spice, and occasionally I'll have a cup of Green Tea with Lemongrass. (Need some agave in THAT ONE!)

Anyway, I had days where I cheated. Not entirely, but I repeatedly made Chocolate Mug Cake with honey and cocoa in it, I ate a chocolate chip cookie one night when I made a batch for a sleepover, and I ate a cinnamon roll one morning before church after making them for the kids. I didn't freak out and think I needed to start my whole30 over, I just kept moving forward and making better choices. No biggie. 

I think sometimes we can over-think, over-analyze, and even over-spiritualize things to the point where THEY become idols in themselves. 

I found myself replacing my need for sugar and wine with retail therapy that first week. If I can't eat what I want, then I'm going shopping! Get what you want, girls! Momma's doing theWhole30! 

I'm an idol factory.

We all are. 

We replace one idol for another and call ourselves good. We think we are better than others because our idols are good ones. 

And that's all I was doing. Instead of medicating myself with food or wine, I was medicating with retail therapy instead of God himself. 

He offers Himself to me and I turn to lesser things. 

It was so easy. 

I was so proud. 

I am so stupid.

So here I am at the end of theWhole30 and I feel amazing. I can see a difference in my face, my body, my mood, my energy levels throughout the day. 

I didn't want to tell everyone I was doing this for a couple of reasons. Um, first, impression management- hello? Look at me, I'm doing theWhole30! Watch me be amazing! Please, look at me be awesome! No thanks. 

Secondly, I thought of it like a fast. I needed to give up some things so I could reset my body's natural signals. I can tell you after the first few days when your body is going through SERIOUS withdrawal of the sugars, you can't even TELL what your body is saying because before, you were just feeding the sugar crash all day long. When you remove that, you're able to actually hear your body tell you what it needs. I know it sounds crazy. 

I'm a black and white girl. I'm all or nothing. I'm all in or I'm all out. TheWhole30 is like that, don't try to tweak it and do a few parts, do theWhole30 or get out. I love it. 

Did I mention that I slept like a baby all month? Oh my goodness, that was worth it right there. 

And at the risk of making theWhole30 INTO an idol where we fall at the feet of the creators of theWhole30 and worship it as a lifestyle... let me just say, it feels so good to be a good steward of the body God has given me. 

Repeat after me:

Good. Not perfect. 

Repeat after me:

Good. Not perfect. 

And at the risk of sounding judge-y of you if you haven't done this, are you being a good steward of the temple God has given you? What would it look like for you to make a change? What kind of change is do-able for where you're at right now?

Having the Right Lens With Which to See

I wear corrective lenses. I have since high school. I remember when my parents discovered that I couldn't see faraway and they took me to the eye doctor to get my first pair of glasses. It was a wonderful thing to finally see clearly!  What strikes me as odd though, is how I didn't really know things WEREN'T in focus until someone else (in this case, my parents) pointed out that they SHOULD be!

The Christian life is like that. I didn't KNOW I needed Christ until God pursued my heart of stone and made it a heart of flesh that lives and beats to serve my King.

When we had the photographer here last week to take some family pictures, she pulled out this ginormous lens. It seriously looked like a Sports Illustrated lens or something. It was really long and wide at the end. I thought it was a zoom lens but it turns out it was just this amazing lens that ended up taking beautiful pictures of us sitting in our living room. As she was taking it out, she remarked about how long it took her to save for it, but how glad she is that she has it because it takes amazing pictures. Sitting on the opposite end of the camera, we didn't know the difference between that lens and a regular one, but to HER, the photographer, the one with "the eye," she knew THAT lens was what she needed.

The Christian life is like that. God knows what we need. He knows the lens to use on us. He knows when to lean in, press down, filter out.

Stay with me here. I'm going somewhere.

Last week we turned in our Dossier to our placing agency. You know those deadlines you have in life... the ones that loom over you... you dread them... and miraculously, somehow, by the grace of God, you slide into home plate completing them on time? That's how our Dossier assembly was. For the last six months, we have worked at assembling documents, notarizing them, and completing our Home Study with the deadline looming in front of us.

The deadline actually worked in our favor, because it caused us to hustle and get things completed before the husband had to go away again so it all came together very nicely in the end. It wasn't without stress and a few arguments with one another- we aren't the Cleaver's, people! But it came together and I couldn't believe it. What a relief. (Did I mention that failure to complete Dossier within six months would incur a $500/month penalty??? Yes, our agency is STRICT!)

So we submitted the Dossier and Chris hopped on a plane. Sliding into home plate, people. I could clearly see God's hand in the completion of our paperwork. I could clearly see his providence as we finished. I could clearly see that God was working with us and for us to do things that were hard.

It's not unusual for Dossiers to need corrections, and a good agency will catch those revisions before it's sent to the country you're adopting from. Our Case Worker called yesterday and said there were four corrections that needed to be made. Not a problem, except that Chris has to sign and notarize three of the four documents. It is exactly at this point when I lose faith.

What happened to my "clearly seeing his providence?" Out the window. Gone. I went from completely resting, trusting, and rejoicing in God to worrying, freaking out, and losing all my faith in Him. I'm not exaggerating. I've been angry, annoyed, frustrated, looking for someone to blame besides myself, critical of my inability to have a perfect Dossier... you name it and the thought has raced through my mind a least a dozen times; and that's just since yesterday.

I wanted to write this blog called "Different Perspectives" and share with you this enlightened moment I had last week when the photographer was taking our family pictures. The way she captured us, the way she spent time getting to know us and our story made me realize that how I see myself (in my pj's until noon, griping at my kids, doing a lousy job of teaching at home, constantly wondering if I'm doing enough, ending days with snippy tones of "GO TO BED!!") and how others see us (everyone all cute, well groomed, smiling nicely for the camera) sometimes requires the use of a different lens.

The lens I see myself through is a critical one. It's always fixing mistakes. It's always pointing out what I'm NOT doing. When I was able to see our family through the photographer's lens, what I saw was different. I saw the good stuff. I saw the fruit of my labor. I saw joy. I saw peace. I saw silliness. I saw myself smiling. I saw my kids smiling. I saw us getting along. I saw my kids cuteness, smallness, sweetness.

In the day in and day out I just don't see myself or my family that way.

Sometimes it helps to just switch lenses and see things in a new way.

I guess that's my point. When the bad news came about the things we need to fix in the Dossier, I dropped the lens. I lost my focus. It's like taking off the glasses and everything is blurry and out of focus. One little thing just THROWS ME. BIG TIME.

When will I get it?

God is the master photographer. He holds the right lens. He knows when to lean in, press down, and filter out. Nothing that happened regarding our Dossier came as a surprise to Him.

And I SHOULD, as His Child, take great delight and rest in knowing that.

He knew that Chris would be overseas and the Dossier would sit and wait.

He knew that we wouldn't go on the Wait List for our son for six more weeks...

He orchestrated these things. This timing. It's exactly HIS timing.

But because it's out of focus FOR ME;  I resist HIS will.

There's the rub of the Christian life, my friends. What is out of focus for US is completely within God's perfect plan.

I needed to write this to remind myself of so many things. The first is that God saved me when I was a sinner. When things were ALL out of focus for me, and I didn't even know it, HE DID THAT. And at the perfect time, He saved me. Just like needing glasses and not realizing it, I didn't realize I needed Christ. But God, in His sovereignty, saved me.

The second is that God knows what I need. God knows I'm a control freak and I take great pride in being able to accomplish many things in my own strength and ability. Thanks, God, for wiring me with confidence! Now, if only I could put that confidence in CHRIST- my only HOPE!

You see, God orchestrates these "THINGS" in my life to remind me where to set my HOPE. Is my hope in myself? Well, yes, actually, if I'm super honest, YES. It absolutely IS. I like to do things myself, and do them well, and then pat myself on the back.

But what this experience is teaching me is that God wants me to put my HOPE in HIM. He wants me COMPLETELY LACKING so ALL my strength, hope, joy, peace, you name it, can come SOLELY FROM HIM AND HIM ALONE.

The real question is, can I submit to THAT? Can this control-freak, super confident, "I got this!" girl relinquish that kind of power to an Almighty God who says I can trust Him?

I'm working on it.