Last week my little boy threw a tantrum. Nothing crazy, just your run of the mill, tired two year old tantrum. I was trying to get him into his pajamas as he cried angrily over something unknown to me.
I said to him, "I know you're mad. I can see that. But I need you to lift your arms up so I can take your shirt off and get you ready for bed."
And IN HIS FIT he lifted his arms up. (This is a miracle).
And as he lifted them, his face was turning redder, his tears were still streaming down his adorable little face, and his mouth was drooling as he screamed. But he lifted his arms.
Obedience.
And I thought of myself, and my relationship with God, and I thought, how many ways do I too, have fits just like that about what God is asking me to do?
Why did God give me four (and probably five) kids when I struggle with anger? I'm gonna mess them up so bad!
Why did God ask me to homeschool all of them? They are gonna have so many gaps it's not even funny!
Why did God give me lots of kids, ask me to homeschool them, and then give me a husband who is around half the time? It's like hurky jerky around here with all this coming and going.
Because GOD knew that's exactly what Carrie Abraham needed to flesh out some things that otherwise could easily slip under the radar of "wholly submitted to God."
It took four kids to break me, y'all.
I had three down like a well-oiled machine. I was on top, I was in control, I still had it "together," if you know what I mean.
And then God gave me one more.
And everything came undone.
Literally.
I know what some of you are thinking right now.
FOUR! It took FOUR! I only have (insert your number) and I'm BROKEN!
And that's my point exactly, ladies.
What God uses to bring YOU to the point of FULL submission to His will is different for each of us. So we can all stop with the comparisons.
What God is using to refine YOU in YOUR life is different from what He uses in MINE (or hers, or his)... you get the point, right?
For me, it was four kids & homeschool; for someone else it's something entirely DIFFERENT.
And here's the point about the tantrum. God doesn't want us all cleaned up and sparkling before we come to Him with our stuff.
I know we don't like to think about coming to God in a "fit." It doesn't seem right- we should be so lovable, sweet, and nice-sounding... I mean, He's God, after all, let's make an effort!
But the truth is He wants us red faced, tears streaming down our cheeks, mouth drooling and screaming our heads off. It's not pretty, but it's real.
God wants us lifting our arms in OBEDIENCE even when we battle the idea of what He is working out in us.
It's tough, y'all. I'm not going to lie. I have been in the trenches with this, battling this very thing for awhile now. I've been clenching my fists tighter around the thing I know God wants from me.
Am I going to OBEY God when it's uncomfortable?
Am I going to OBEY God even when my heart and mind trail behind?
Am I going to OBEY God when I can't control the OUTCOME? (And I SO like to control outcomes, you have absolutely NO idea).
Yes.
But it's not going to be pretty. And He may have to pry open my fingers sometimes.
But I'll do it anyway.
Because somehow, even my little boy knew that lifting his arms would help him somehow.
And even when my fists are clenched, and my mind is set, and I'm resolved to control this thing...
I know, deep down, in the deepest parts of my heart, that lifting my arms to God is all I can do.
And THAT is enough.
Thursday, January 16, 2014
Monday, December 2, 2013
From Military Brat to Wannabe Local: Lessons Learned While Staying Put
January of 2014 will mark seven years for us here in Clarksville, TN.
The longest we've ever lived anywhere, ever.
We lived in Okinawa for almost five years which is tied for me with Birmingham, where I was for five years (four in college and one year post-college before Chris and I got married).
So seven years feels long. And monumental, in a way.
Growing up a military brat, both hubs and I moved every 2-3 years. We've lived all over the world.
We loved it. We wouldn't trade it for anything and constantly refer back to it as a great gift our parents gave us. So all you Marine and Army wives that I know can chillax. Your kids are going to be FINE. Look at us! ;)
I was chatting it up with my new good friend tonight at ballet and we were just sharing, sharing, sharing. You would've thought by the way we were talking that we knew each other since birth. (Which a lot of those ladies at THAT ballet class actually HAVE, people. I'm serious. It's like the Good Old Boys Club for Ladies here in the CLV. Don't get me started.)
Okay, so we were talking about everything from homeschooling well in this Advent season, to raising boys and why it's harder than raising girls (at least in these early years anyway), to our husband's line of work, to our struggles as moms, to military moves, and even our family schedules. Yes, we covered a lot in an hour. That's what moms do. We talk fast when we can. We squeeze it in. We make it happen ASAP. Cuz who knows when the next chance will be...
And here's the thing. I've know Leigh for about a month. And when I say I've known her, what I mean is that I have been going to church and she was there and our kids have the same ballet class together. (But unlike her, I leave my toddler strapped into the carseat and don't get out of my car for an hour). She is the fun mom who brings toys in a big bag for her kids to play with while their sister dances. I throw my toddler the iPad and pray for the hour to go by fast enough so he doesn't notice he's imprisoned by a four-point harness and a minivan. So far, so good.
Again, I digress.
I HAVE A POINT!
This is it. Military spouses aren't afraid to get real and get real fast. I'm not saying other folks aren't real, I'm just suggesting that because of the constant "we're moving in a year" feeling that most military spouses feel, they tend to open themselves up much more quickly and willingly than most other people. And this, my friends, is a WONDERFUL quality. It means you don't spend a lot of time feeding at the surface of superficial bologna. "How are you?" "Good!" "How are you?" "Good!" (Which happens to be one of my pet peeves!) It means you can open up, let it all hang out, and still be accepted. At least for awhile anyway. Because those friends WILL move.
After being in one place for nearly seven years, I've become used to being the one that is left behind while the other military families move on for "the next thing." It's WAY harder to stay put and say goodbye than it is to leave. In a sense, it's easy to leave because you're moving on to something different, and it's change, and it's new and exciting.
Also, I learned something a few years ago that has really stayed with me and has been a great lesson to me. I had a major falling out with an acquaintance and she moved. We reconciled a little before she left, but it wasn't a full reconciliation. I spent hours, days, weeks, and many conversations seeking Godly counsel over that fallout and came to terms with it eventually. It was not pretty. (Those refining fires never are!) Eventually I got over it. We were only acquaintances anyway... what's the big deal? I don't know, the fallout just had a major affect on me. And the lesson I learned in all that was that PEOPLE CHANGE. But when they move in the middle of something like that, you don't always get to SEE THE CHANGE. You miss it. And two years later, after I had long put it behind me and forgiven her, she sent me a note that said "I have finally forgiven you."
WHAM.
DUDE.
I was over it way before she ever was. And I didn't get to see the change. And that's okay. I think we need to give ourselves permission here to let others BE IN THEIR PLACE and just accept that. We don't have to be ALL waiting for THEM TO CHANGE so WE CAN BE ALL HAPPY and KOSHER. Let the Lord do His work in His time in His people. He will be faithful to do it.
And even though I wasn't expecting that note, it was a relief to me. I read in a book once that forgiving people isn't for THEM to be set free, it's FOR US to be set free. So true. So true.
I hope I haven't gone down a rabbit hole here. I know there is a more concise way of saying all that I just said. I've learned so much about staying in one place.
I love running into people I knew six years ago in the grocery store.
I love knowing the routes to get everywhere and not having to think while I'm driving about where I'm going. (It's really nice!)
I love seeing familiar faces at the places we frequent (grocery stores, restaurants, stores). I wonder if I'm familiar to them at Target?
I like meeting new friends that are new here and just desperate like I was seven years ago to make friends!
I love the chance to mess up and heal broken friendships and have do-overs.
I love that those who know me, can see me change and witness my growth and help remind me of it when I forget.
I love that I have friends that know the real me with the ugly cry and the shaking the fists to the heavens and the honesty that comes with it.
I think growing up I always tended to keep people at arms length in friendship because I knew we were moving. It was my defense mechanism to protect my own feelings of sadness and loss.
Now that I'm a "wannabe local" I'm over that! I enjoy putting it all out there. On the first playdate. At the first ballet class.
Sorry if you're in earshot while I'm gabbing it up with a new friend. You'll get my whole life story.
The longest we've ever lived anywhere, ever.
We lived in Okinawa for almost five years which is tied for me with Birmingham, where I was for five years (four in college and one year post-college before Chris and I got married).
So seven years feels long. And monumental, in a way.
Growing up a military brat, both hubs and I moved every 2-3 years. We've lived all over the world.
We loved it. We wouldn't trade it for anything and constantly refer back to it as a great gift our parents gave us. So all you Marine and Army wives that I know can chillax. Your kids are going to be FINE. Look at us! ;)
I was chatting it up with my new good friend tonight at ballet and we were just sharing, sharing, sharing. You would've thought by the way we were talking that we knew each other since birth. (Which a lot of those ladies at THAT ballet class actually HAVE, people. I'm serious. It's like the Good Old Boys Club for Ladies here in the CLV. Don't get me started.)
Okay, so we were talking about everything from homeschooling well in this Advent season, to raising boys and why it's harder than raising girls (at least in these early years anyway), to our husband's line of work, to our struggles as moms, to military moves, and even our family schedules. Yes, we covered a lot in an hour. That's what moms do. We talk fast when we can. We squeeze it in. We make it happen ASAP. Cuz who knows when the next chance will be...
And here's the thing. I've know Leigh for about a month. And when I say I've known her, what I mean is that I have been going to church and she was there and our kids have the same ballet class together. (But unlike her, I leave my toddler strapped into the carseat and don't get out of my car for an hour). She is the fun mom who brings toys in a big bag for her kids to play with while their sister dances. I throw my toddler the iPad and pray for the hour to go by fast enough so he doesn't notice he's imprisoned by a four-point harness and a minivan. So far, so good.
Again, I digress.
I HAVE A POINT!
This is it. Military spouses aren't afraid to get real and get real fast. I'm not saying other folks aren't real, I'm just suggesting that because of the constant "we're moving in a year" feeling that most military spouses feel, they tend to open themselves up much more quickly and willingly than most other people. And this, my friends, is a WONDERFUL quality. It means you don't spend a lot of time feeding at the surface of superficial bologna. "How are you?" "Good!" "How are you?" "Good!" (Which happens to be one of my pet peeves!) It means you can open up, let it all hang out, and still be accepted. At least for awhile anyway. Because those friends WILL move.
After being in one place for nearly seven years, I've become used to being the one that is left behind while the other military families move on for "the next thing." It's WAY harder to stay put and say goodbye than it is to leave. In a sense, it's easy to leave because you're moving on to something different, and it's change, and it's new and exciting.
Also, I learned something a few years ago that has really stayed with me and has been a great lesson to me. I had a major falling out with an acquaintance and she moved. We reconciled a little before she left, but it wasn't a full reconciliation. I spent hours, days, weeks, and many conversations seeking Godly counsel over that fallout and came to terms with it eventually. It was not pretty. (Those refining fires never are!) Eventually I got over it. We were only acquaintances anyway... what's the big deal? I don't know, the fallout just had a major affect on me. And the lesson I learned in all that was that PEOPLE CHANGE. But when they move in the middle of something like that, you don't always get to SEE THE CHANGE. You miss it. And two years later, after I had long put it behind me and forgiven her, she sent me a note that said "I have finally forgiven you."
WHAM.
DUDE.
I was over it way before she ever was. And I didn't get to see the change. And that's okay. I think we need to give ourselves permission here to let others BE IN THEIR PLACE and just accept that. We don't have to be ALL waiting for THEM TO CHANGE so WE CAN BE ALL HAPPY and KOSHER. Let the Lord do His work in His time in His people. He will be faithful to do it.
And even though I wasn't expecting that note, it was a relief to me. I read in a book once that forgiving people isn't for THEM to be set free, it's FOR US to be set free. So true. So true.
I hope I haven't gone down a rabbit hole here. I know there is a more concise way of saying all that I just said. I've learned so much about staying in one place.
I love running into people I knew six years ago in the grocery store.
I love knowing the routes to get everywhere and not having to think while I'm driving about where I'm going. (It's really nice!)
I love seeing familiar faces at the places we frequent (grocery stores, restaurants, stores). I wonder if I'm familiar to them at Target?
I like meeting new friends that are new here and just desperate like I was seven years ago to make friends!
I love the chance to mess up and heal broken friendships and have do-overs.
I love that those who know me, can see me change and witness my growth and help remind me of it when I forget.
I love that I have friends that know the real me with the ugly cry and the shaking the fists to the heavens and the honesty that comes with it.
I think growing up I always tended to keep people at arms length in friendship because I knew we were moving. It was my defense mechanism to protect my own feelings of sadness and loss.
Now that I'm a "wannabe local" I'm over that! I enjoy putting it all out there. On the first playdate. At the first ballet class.
Sorry if you're in earshot while I'm gabbing it up with a new friend. You'll get my whole life story.
Monday, November 4, 2013
Welcome the Wait
A few days ago we received our "Favorable Determination Letter" (or FDL) in the mail from the U.S. Department of Citizenship and Immigration Services (USCIS). It was quite a moment for me, sitting alone (not) on the porch, going through the mail.
The FDL is a formal, official, pre-approval for us to adopt from Ethiopia. It's our government's way of saying, Carrie and Chris, you passed all the requirements and we will allow this. It's pretty amazing. It brought me to tears. Here's why: I can write checks and fill out forms all day long. (Okay, not really... but I mean it's not a hard thing for me- I like administrative stuff like that).
Some people are so daunted at the task of putting together a Dossier they never adopt because they can't get past the bureaucracy of it all. I can't tell you how many times I've heard people say, "Why do they make it so hard to adopt?" Well, child trafficking for starters.
But really, if you can't stand the test of people you hardly know looking into every nook and cranny of your personal, financial, and daily life then you can't handle adoption. Because that, my friends, is just the beginning of the process.
The paperwork process is a filter.
That's why there was so much joy in that moment for me. It made the paper, the payments, the bureaucracy of it all very, very real. It made it worth it. It meant, all of a sudden, after six months of paperwork and corrections, that all that work was actually FOR something. That paperwork said we are approved to adopt one boy or two, with at least one being a boy, from Ethiopia. Amazing.
Truly amazing.
And then today. Today is the day we will mark on our calendars as if it were a birthday. Today our Dossier was officially approved at our adoption (placing) agency. Today is the day we go on the Wait List at All God's Children International. Today is the day we officially join the other waiting families for our child or children. Only the Lord knows. And we trust Him. And we continue to wait.
It will be long. (2-3 years).
We will have to renew and update forms along the way. (Every 15-18 months).
We will have to pay more fees for those updates and renewals. ($85-$720)
And it will all be worth it, two or three years from now when we get that referral and bring home our son (or sons, or son and daughter!)
And then a whole new process will begin. A transition. A new family member (or two)! A new way of being this family.
And you know what I've learned? I've learned to wait well.
I've learned that the waiting is where the refining fires are. The fires that make me more like Christ; the suffering that only comes from the pain of a wait, a loss, a time without something you long for.
Makes me think of heaven. Makes me think of how I don't really long for heaven on a daily basis because I'm too caught up in the WHATEVER of the day.
So I welcome the wait. I welcome the pain of not having something our hearts have longed and will continue to long for until the day comes when the Lord completes our family through yet another adoption.
I welcome the wait because it's hard and it reminds me that we are all waiting for something this side of heaven.
Are you welcoming your wait?
The FDL is a formal, official, pre-approval for us to adopt from Ethiopia. It's our government's way of saying, Carrie and Chris, you passed all the requirements and we will allow this. It's pretty amazing. It brought me to tears. Here's why: I can write checks and fill out forms all day long. (Okay, not really... but I mean it's not a hard thing for me- I like administrative stuff like that).
Some people are so daunted at the task of putting together a Dossier they never adopt because they can't get past the bureaucracy of it all. I can't tell you how many times I've heard people say, "Why do they make it so hard to adopt?" Well, child trafficking for starters.
But really, if you can't stand the test of people you hardly know looking into every nook and cranny of your personal, financial, and daily life then you can't handle adoption. Because that, my friends, is just the beginning of the process.
The paperwork process is a filter.
That's why there was so much joy in that moment for me. It made the paper, the payments, the bureaucracy of it all very, very real. It made it worth it. It meant, all of a sudden, after six months of paperwork and corrections, that all that work was actually FOR something. That paperwork said we are approved to adopt one boy or two, with at least one being a boy, from Ethiopia. Amazing.
Truly amazing.
And then today. Today is the day we will mark on our calendars as if it were a birthday. Today our Dossier was officially approved at our adoption (placing) agency. Today is the day we go on the Wait List at All God's Children International. Today is the day we officially join the other waiting families for our child or children. Only the Lord knows. And we trust Him. And we continue to wait.
It will be long. (2-3 years).
We will have to renew and update forms along the way. (Every 15-18 months).
We will have to pay more fees for those updates and renewals. ($85-$720)
And it will all be worth it, two or three years from now when we get that referral and bring home our son (or sons, or son and daughter!)
And then a whole new process will begin. A transition. A new family member (or two)! A new way of being this family.
And you know what I've learned? I've learned to wait well.
I've learned that the waiting is where the refining fires are. The fires that make me more like Christ; the suffering that only comes from the pain of a wait, a loss, a time without something you long for.
Makes me think of heaven. Makes me think of how I don't really long for heaven on a daily basis because I'm too caught up in the WHATEVER of the day.
So I welcome the wait. I welcome the pain of not having something our hearts have longed and will continue to long for until the day comes when the Lord completes our family through yet another adoption.
I welcome the wait because it's hard and it reminds me that we are all waiting for something this side of heaven.
Are you welcoming your wait?
Tuesday, October 22, 2013
theWhole30
Have you heard of theWhole30? It's hard to describe, but basically you give up sugar, dairy, carbs, alcohol, and refined foods for 30 days and see how you feel. I think the goal is to keep going because you feel so good after 30 days you just don't want to go back to your old way of eating.
When the hubs left for this 40-day trip, I was feeling like crap-ola. I can't even tell you. I was grumpy and tired and no amount of sleep or time to myself was helping. I knew it was my diet. I knew it was what I was putting into my body that was making me tired and grumpy, but I didn't really know if I could DO theWhole30.
I had a myriad of excuses: the kids, my wine, the time it will take to eat whole foods all day long, the expense of eating "healthy" for 30 days...
But this time, my feeling like crap-ola totally won over my excuse making. Of course, when I messaged a few close friends and asked them to join me, they all cheered, "Hurray for you, NO WAY FOR ME!" (A few of them already eat healthy and said they would cut some things out, so they were my support group!)
So after the hubs had been gone for one week, feeling terrible, I stayed up late one Sunday night and read all about theWhole30 and committed myself to it.
I woke up the next morning and told the girls my decision and what it meant for me. There was my straight up accountability. For real. Tell a 6, 7, & 8 year old what you're NOT eating for 30 days and they will HOLD YOU TO IT. I knew I had to tell them or I'd be sneaking brownies in the corner.
Did I mention we're together 24/7, 3 meals a day (can you say homeschool)?!?!?
Awesome.
Don't worry, I'm not going to go into a detailed journal of my last 30 days. But I will give you the highlights. I kept caffeine, just dropped the sugar and cream. I can drink my coffee black, as long as it's good coffee like justlovecoffee or some whole beans straight from the motherland. (Ethiopia, people)!
I felt great on Day 1-4. Then I wanted to die. I stopped feeling like I wanted to die around Day 14. Then I got my groove on and was fine until Day 30.
There were good days, great recipes, and bad days, recipe fails, and eating out occasionally. Some people say that it's really hard to eat out on theWhole30 but that wasn't the case for me. At Chipotle I had a bowl with no rice or beans, lots of veggies, meat, pico, lettuce, and guacamole. It was delicious, even if I did miss the flavor of the cilantro lime rice. (But not the bloated feeling that comes with it!) At Chick-Fil-A I had a salad and left off the packets of toppings and salad dressing. That was easy. Maybe it wasn't ALL organic ALL the time, but it was better than nuggets, dipping sauce, and milkshakes!
I'm embarrassed to admit this, but the hardest part for me was definitely the glass of wine. I didn't realize how attached I was to the wine until I had to stop. Especially when the hubs is gone, I look forward to "making it through the day" and "celebrating" with a glass or two. It's my way of saying to myself, "You did it! You homeschooled your children, got them to their activities, got them home and in the bed, now you deserve this glass of Pinot Grigio!" I did this almost everyday. I looked forward to this everyday. My kids could tell you where the wine glasses are, and where the wine is. My kids could also see very clearly that I was having a glass daily. Because the first night I stopped they said, "Mommy, where is your wine?" And at that moment I realized what it had become. It had become and idol. I propped it up and covered it up with all the accomplishments listed above, but it was an idol. And it probably took me longer to get over that one than the sugar. So sad, I know.
So hot tea became my new wine. Yes, I have two cups of black coffee in the morning and then it's hot tea in the afternoon and evening. I LOVE peppermint tea. When I was in K, we lived in Ramstein, Germany and I went to a German Kindergarten. They served hot peppermint tea there and I've loved it ever since. It's relaxing, soothing, calming. It's yummy! I also like Earl Grey, Orange Cinnamon Spice, and occasionally I'll have a cup of Green Tea with Lemongrass. (Need some agave in THAT ONE!)
Anyway, I had days where I cheated. Not entirely, but I repeatedly made Chocolate Mug Cake with honey and cocoa in it, I ate a chocolate chip cookie one night when I made a batch for a sleepover, and I ate a cinnamon roll one morning before church after making them for the kids. I didn't freak out and think I needed to start my whole30 over, I just kept moving forward and making better choices. No biggie.
I think sometimes we can over-think, over-analyze, and even over-spiritualize things to the point where THEY become idols in themselves.
I found myself replacing my need for sugar and wine with retail therapy that first week. If I can't eat what I want, then I'm going shopping! Get what you want, girls! Momma's doing theWhole30!
I'm an idol factory.
We all are.
We replace one idol for another and call ourselves good. We think we are better than others because our idols are good ones.
And that's all I was doing. Instead of medicating myself with food or wine, I was medicating with retail therapy instead of God himself.
He offers Himself to me and I turn to lesser things.
It was so easy.
I was so proud.
I am so stupid.
So here I am at the end of theWhole30 and I feel amazing. I can see a difference in my face, my body, my mood, my energy levels throughout the day.
I didn't want to tell everyone I was doing this for a couple of reasons. Um, first, impression management- hello? Look at me, I'm doing theWhole30! Watch me be amazing! Please, look at me be awesome! No thanks.
Secondly, I thought of it like a fast. I needed to give up some things so I could reset my body's natural signals. I can tell you after the first few days when your body is going through SERIOUS withdrawal of the sugars, you can't even TELL what your body is saying because before, you were just feeding the sugar crash all day long. When you remove that, you're able to actually hear your body tell you what it needs. I know it sounds crazy.
I'm a black and white girl. I'm all or nothing. I'm all in or I'm all out. TheWhole30 is like that, don't try to tweak it and do a few parts, do theWhole30 or get out. I love it.
Did I mention that I slept like a baby all month? Oh my goodness, that was worth it right there.
And at the risk of making theWhole30 INTO an idol where we fall at the feet of the creators of theWhole30 and worship it as a lifestyle... let me just say, it feels so good to be a good steward of the body God has given me.
Repeat after me:
Good. Not perfect.
Repeat after me:
Good. Not perfect.
And at the risk of sounding judge-y of you if you haven't done this, are you being a good steward of the temple God has given you? What would it look like for you to make a change? What kind of change is do-able for where you're at right now?
Saturday, September 21, 2013
Having the Right Lens With Which to See
I wear corrective lenses. I have since high school. I remember when my parents discovered that I couldn't see faraway and they took me to the eye doctor to get my first pair of glasses. It was a wonderful thing to finally see clearly! What strikes me as odd though, is how I didn't really know things WEREN'T in focus until someone else (in this case, my parents) pointed out that they SHOULD be!
The Christian life is like that. I didn't KNOW I needed Christ until God pursued my heart of stone and made it a heart of flesh that lives and beats to serve my King.
When we had the photographer here last week to take some family pictures, she pulled out this ginormous lens. It seriously looked like a Sports Illustrated lens or something. It was really long and wide at the end. I thought it was a zoom lens but it turns out it was just this amazing lens that ended up taking beautiful pictures of us sitting in our living room. As she was taking it out, she remarked about how long it took her to save for it, but how glad she is that she has it because it takes amazing pictures. Sitting on the opposite end of the camera, we didn't know the difference between that lens and a regular one, but to HER, the photographer, the one with "the eye," she knew THAT lens was what she needed.
The Christian life is like that. God knows what we need. He knows the lens to use on us. He knows when to lean in, press down, filter out.
Stay with me here. I'm going somewhere.
Last week we turned in our Dossier to our placing agency. You know those deadlines you have in life... the ones that loom over you... you dread them... and miraculously, somehow, by the grace of God, you slide into home plate completing them on time? That's how our Dossier assembly was. For the last six months, we have worked at assembling documents, notarizing them, and completing our Home Study with the deadline looming in front of us.
The deadline actually worked in our favor, because it caused us to hustle and get things completed before the husband had to go away again so it all came together very nicely in the end. It wasn't without stress and a few arguments with one another- we aren't the Cleaver's, people! But it came together and I couldn't believe it. What a relief. (Did I mention that failure to complete Dossier within six months would incur a $500/month penalty??? Yes, our agency is STRICT!)
So we submitted the Dossier and Chris hopped on a plane. Sliding into home plate, people. I could clearly see God's hand in the completion of our paperwork. I could clearly see his providence as we finished. I could clearly see that God was working with us and for us to do things that were hard.
It's not unusual for Dossiers to need corrections, and a good agency will catch those revisions before it's sent to the country you're adopting from. Our Case Worker called yesterday and said there were four corrections that needed to be made. Not a problem, except that Chris has to sign and notarize three of the four documents. It is exactly at this point when I lose faith.
What happened to my "clearly seeing his providence?" Out the window. Gone. I went from completely resting, trusting, and rejoicing in God to worrying, freaking out, and losing all my faith in Him. I'm not exaggerating. I've been angry, annoyed, frustrated, looking for someone to blame besides myself, critical of my inability to have a perfect Dossier... you name it and the thought has raced through my mind a least a dozen times; and that's just since yesterday.
I wanted to write this blog called "Different Perspectives" and share with you this enlightened moment I had last week when the photographer was taking our family pictures. The way she captured us, the way she spent time getting to know us and our story made me realize that how I see myself (in my pj's until noon, griping at my kids, doing a lousy job of teaching at home, constantly wondering if I'm doing enough, ending days with snippy tones of "GO TO BED!!") and how others see us (everyone all cute, well groomed, smiling nicely for the camera) sometimes requires the use of a different lens.
The lens I see myself through is a critical one. It's always fixing mistakes. It's always pointing out what I'm NOT doing. When I was able to see our family through the photographer's lens, what I saw was different. I saw the good stuff. I saw the fruit of my labor. I saw joy. I saw peace. I saw silliness. I saw myself smiling. I saw my kids smiling. I saw us getting along. I saw my kids cuteness, smallness, sweetness.
In the day in and day out I just don't see myself or my family that way.
Sometimes it helps to just switch lenses and see things in a new way.
I guess that's my point. When the bad news came about the things we need to fix in the Dossier, I dropped the lens. I lost my focus. It's like taking off the glasses and everything is blurry and out of focus. One little thing just THROWS ME. BIG TIME.
When will I get it?
God is the master photographer. He holds the right lens. He knows when to lean in, press down, and filter out. Nothing that happened regarding our Dossier came as a surprise to Him.
And I SHOULD, as His Child, take great delight and rest in knowing that.
He knew that Chris would be overseas and the Dossier would sit and wait.
He knew that we wouldn't go on the Wait List for our son for six more weeks...
He orchestrated these things. This timing. It's exactly HIS timing.
But because it's out of focus FOR ME; I resist HIS will.
There's the rub of the Christian life, my friends. What is out of focus for US is completely within God's perfect plan.
I needed to write this to remind myself of so many things. The first is that God saved me when I was a sinner. When things were ALL out of focus for me, and I didn't even know it, HE DID THAT. And at the perfect time, He saved me. Just like needing glasses and not realizing it, I didn't realize I needed Christ. But God, in His sovereignty, saved me.
The second is that God knows what I need. God knows I'm a control freak and I take great pride in being able to accomplish many things in my own strength and ability. Thanks, God, for wiring me with confidence! Now, if only I could put that confidence in CHRIST- my only HOPE!
You see, God orchestrates these "THINGS" in my life to remind me where to set my HOPE. Is my hope in myself? Well, yes, actually, if I'm super honest, YES. It absolutely IS. I like to do things myself, and do them well, and then pat myself on the back.
But what this experience is teaching me is that God wants me to put my HOPE in HIM. He wants me COMPLETELY LACKING so ALL my strength, hope, joy, peace, you name it, can come SOLELY FROM HIM AND HIM ALONE.
The real question is, can I submit to THAT? Can this control-freak, super confident, "I got this!" girl relinquish that kind of power to an Almighty God who says I can trust Him?
I'm working on it.
The Christian life is like that. I didn't KNOW I needed Christ until God pursued my heart of stone and made it a heart of flesh that lives and beats to serve my King.
When we had the photographer here last week to take some family pictures, she pulled out this ginormous lens. It seriously looked like a Sports Illustrated lens or something. It was really long and wide at the end. I thought it was a zoom lens but it turns out it was just this amazing lens that ended up taking beautiful pictures of us sitting in our living room. As she was taking it out, she remarked about how long it took her to save for it, but how glad she is that she has it because it takes amazing pictures. Sitting on the opposite end of the camera, we didn't know the difference between that lens and a regular one, but to HER, the photographer, the one with "the eye," she knew THAT lens was what she needed.
The Christian life is like that. God knows what we need. He knows the lens to use on us. He knows when to lean in, press down, filter out.
Stay with me here. I'm going somewhere.
Last week we turned in our Dossier to our placing agency. You know those deadlines you have in life... the ones that loom over you... you dread them... and miraculously, somehow, by the grace of God, you slide into home plate completing them on time? That's how our Dossier assembly was. For the last six months, we have worked at assembling documents, notarizing them, and completing our Home Study with the deadline looming in front of us.
The deadline actually worked in our favor, because it caused us to hustle and get things completed before the husband had to go away again so it all came together very nicely in the end. It wasn't without stress and a few arguments with one another- we aren't the Cleaver's, people! But it came together and I couldn't believe it. What a relief. (Did I mention that failure to complete Dossier within six months would incur a $500/month penalty??? Yes, our agency is STRICT!)
So we submitted the Dossier and Chris hopped on a plane. Sliding into home plate, people. I could clearly see God's hand in the completion of our paperwork. I could clearly see his providence as we finished. I could clearly see that God was working with us and for us to do things that were hard.
It's not unusual for Dossiers to need corrections, and a good agency will catch those revisions before it's sent to the country you're adopting from. Our Case Worker called yesterday and said there were four corrections that needed to be made. Not a problem, except that Chris has to sign and notarize three of the four documents. It is exactly at this point when I lose faith.
What happened to my "clearly seeing his providence?" Out the window. Gone. I went from completely resting, trusting, and rejoicing in God to worrying, freaking out, and losing all my faith in Him. I'm not exaggerating. I've been angry, annoyed, frustrated, looking for someone to blame besides myself, critical of my inability to have a perfect Dossier... you name it and the thought has raced through my mind a least a dozen times; and that's just since yesterday.
I wanted to write this blog called "Different Perspectives" and share with you this enlightened moment I had last week when the photographer was taking our family pictures. The way she captured us, the way she spent time getting to know us and our story made me realize that how I see myself (in my pj's until noon, griping at my kids, doing a lousy job of teaching at home, constantly wondering if I'm doing enough, ending days with snippy tones of "GO TO BED!!") and how others see us (everyone all cute, well groomed, smiling nicely for the camera) sometimes requires the use of a different lens.
The lens I see myself through is a critical one. It's always fixing mistakes. It's always pointing out what I'm NOT doing. When I was able to see our family through the photographer's lens, what I saw was different. I saw the good stuff. I saw the fruit of my labor. I saw joy. I saw peace. I saw silliness. I saw myself smiling. I saw my kids smiling. I saw us getting along. I saw my kids cuteness, smallness, sweetness.
In the day in and day out I just don't see myself or my family that way.
Sometimes it helps to just switch lenses and see things in a new way.
I guess that's my point. When the bad news came about the things we need to fix in the Dossier, I dropped the lens. I lost my focus. It's like taking off the glasses and everything is blurry and out of focus. One little thing just THROWS ME. BIG TIME.
When will I get it?
God is the master photographer. He holds the right lens. He knows when to lean in, press down, and filter out. Nothing that happened regarding our Dossier came as a surprise to Him.
And I SHOULD, as His Child, take great delight and rest in knowing that.
He knew that Chris would be overseas and the Dossier would sit and wait.
He knew that we wouldn't go on the Wait List for our son for six more weeks...
He orchestrated these things. This timing. It's exactly HIS timing.
But because it's out of focus FOR ME; I resist HIS will.
There's the rub of the Christian life, my friends. What is out of focus for US is completely within God's perfect plan.
I needed to write this to remind myself of so many things. The first is that God saved me when I was a sinner. When things were ALL out of focus for me, and I didn't even know it, HE DID THAT. And at the perfect time, He saved me. Just like needing glasses and not realizing it, I didn't realize I needed Christ. But God, in His sovereignty, saved me.
The second is that God knows what I need. God knows I'm a control freak and I take great pride in being able to accomplish many things in my own strength and ability. Thanks, God, for wiring me with confidence! Now, if only I could put that confidence in CHRIST- my only HOPE!
You see, God orchestrates these "THINGS" in my life to remind me where to set my HOPE. Is my hope in myself? Well, yes, actually, if I'm super honest, YES. It absolutely IS. I like to do things myself, and do them well, and then pat myself on the back.
But what this experience is teaching me is that God wants me to put my HOPE in HIM. He wants me COMPLETELY LACKING so ALL my strength, hope, joy, peace, you name it, can come SOLELY FROM HIM AND HIM ALONE.
The real question is, can I submit to THAT? Can this control-freak, super confident, "I got this!" girl relinquish that kind of power to an Almighty God who says I can trust Him?
I'm working on it.
Monday, July 29, 2013
A glimmer...
glim·mer
/ˈglimər/
Verb
| ||||
Noun
| ||||
Synonyms
|
This word has been on my mind. It came to me today as I was cleaning up the kitchen after feeding my three big kids plus three additional neighborhood kids that I invited to stay for lunch and playing all afternoon. The baby was napping. They are currently playing "restaurant" and "house" in the little play kitchen and my living room. I'm keeping them downstairs while the baby naps. It's a little rowdy, but it's good. It's a stark contrast to my last few days here... think crickets chirping.
Last week, the hubs took the three big kids to Virginia with him and left me here with the baby and the dog. It was a last minute decision. We were on our way home from adoption training in Nashville and it was late, I could feel myself getting that "I still have to pack tonight" cranky feeling, and the idea literally just popped in my head and I suggested it to the husband. He surprised me with a reply of "that would be such a relief!" and the decision was made. The hubs had meetings on Friday and his mom kept the girls.
I had Wednesday-Sunday with just the baby and the dog. I promised my husband that I would use the time wisely and complete our online adoption courses and our adoption workbook. I did.
I also went shopping a lot.
And our good friend, Mike, came over to finish painting as well.
I didn't cook much. I didn't clean much. I read a lot. The baby was in bed every night by 7, so the evenings felt long.
I discovered the tv show ALIAS and got sucked into the first season.
Did I mention that I went shopping a lot? :)
Anyway, it was like a stroll back to a life I formerly had. It was about 8 years ago, we lived in AZ and only had one child. I was a new mom. I still cleaned my house before having friends over, I still cooked amazing meals made with the freshest ingredients inspired by the most recent recipes in Cooking Light magazine (that I had time to read!), and I am pretty sure that my husband and I had regular date nights on a weekly basis.
Ah, that was the life. It was a good life. A sweet life. I was on top of things. I could keep my house clean, keep the laundry caught up, and prepare good meals. I think I was even beginning work on my master's degree in counseling at the time. I had time to use my gifts of hospitality to make all of our visitors feel a warm welcome. Fresh-cut flowers in the guest room, fresh clean sheets, super sparkly clean guest bathroom.
Wait. Maybe it wasn't all that sparkly. That's how I'm remembering it. The point is this: I HAD SO MUCH TIME ON MY HANDS TO DO THINGS!
I'm remembering it vividly because that's how I felt when my husband drove off with my kids. I had a brief moment of "I should've gone with them!" And as soon as they were out of sight I was over it.
It was a wonderful time of rest, relaxation, catching up on little things, and time to have the head-space to process all those things left dangling in my mind.
You see, those of you who make the choice to go to work (or bless those of you who have to, but wish you could stay home with your kids)... you add the stress of responsibility... but you also add an element of head-space that just doesn't exist for me right now. Think of your free moments- driving to work, typing an email, sitting at your desk quietly, walking to an office for a meeting, having a lunch break... all of these are little free moments where your brain gets to process or work on those dangling things. I don't know how else to describe them. They are just these small processes that need to get worked out in the mind. I don't have any of those moments all day long. Literally.
Now I'm not about to get all high and mighty about the sacrifices I make to homeschool our kids. But my days begin and end with my children actively involved in all things family life. Running errands, feeding them breakfast, lunch and dinner at home, doing activities, doing school, doing life! It's all connected. There is no head-space for me. Ever. When they go to bed, and the husband is home, we are engaging in catch-up conversation (or something else ;) and it's not free time to process. Do you get what I'm saying? I'm hoping you'll see that this dividing and conquering was THE BEST GIFT EVER to someone like me in this season of life.
I also know it won't last forever and these little people are going to be grown and flying the coop before I know it.
I know that because:
1) I'm getting old so time is passing faster than I realize. My hands don't work like they used to. Thanks for the arthritis, Mom. :)
2) The kids I used to babysit after college, they are getting MARRIED. They were like, 5 years old YESTERDAY.
3) My 20th high school reunion is this weekend. #needisaymore
Okay, so here's my point. (Yes, I have one!)
The first three days of my stay-cation was fabulous. I loved every minute!!!! I was so refreshed!
On Saturday, though, I started to miss the noise, the revolving door, the constant questions, the rattle of the children and the family life, the neighbors, the drop-ins, the everything. Even the food prep- all those meals! I missed feeding my family and friends!
Now HOW in the WORLD can I take a three-five day break from the last 8 years of my life as a wife and mother and suddenly miss it? I thought for sure I'd be cranky the day they returned. I'd be annoyed that my sanctuary of a home was now cluttered, messed up, and lived in again.
But I wasn't. I was so excited for them to come home so I'd have someone to take care of again! (Dog + Baby = EASY!) I wanted to cook! I wanted to hear the noise! I wanted to be exhausted from the busyness of the family life.
And here is the GLIMMER: All this time, ALL this time I have sort of looked the large family, homeschooling, exhausted mom, no time for herself gift in the mouth-- I have seen it, lived it, and sort of loved/hated it at the same time.
But when they left and I had the glimmer of my past life- my easy, sweet, quality-time life... (not to judge all you moms with one kid and a dog right now)... I was just left WANTING. I wanted my crazy life back. Because here, with all the kids, the messy house, the revolving door, this is EXACTLY where God wants me and it's where I'M THRIVING. I WAS MADE FOR THIS! THIS IS WHY GOD CREATED ME! HE CREATED ME TO HAVE A FAMILY- A LARGE FAMILY- AND TO BE A BLESSING! I LOVE IT HERE!
Won't you join me?
I'm currently reading A Woman's High Calling. Elizabeth George minces no words. She tells no fluffy stories. She says hard things with love. If you are a Christ-follower, if you are married with children, you need to be in the Word daily. Don't make excuses. Get in the Word. Pray for your children, your husband. It's exactly the exhortation I needed this past week and I realized very fully the role God has literally CREATED me for. I don't want to do it perfectly, but I want to do it to the best of my gifting and abilities. I want to do it so that it glorifies God.
Get a copy of this book and let the Holy Spirit use it to speak to you. I like the "dated-ness" of it because I just don't think there are many woman authors these days that drop the hammer like Elizabeth George does. There seems to be a wave of thinking that we women can have and do it all. We can't. We just can't. It's such a trap and a lie to believe we can. I would encourage each of you to find your calling and make sure you're where God wants you.
I am.
I just know it.
Monday, July 15, 2013
Where we are in the adoption process--- July 2013
I have a friend who has four kids and home schools. She pursued me a few years ago to pick my brain about adoption. She wanted the "real" story, the nitty-gritty, an honest look into our experience with international adoption. I gave it to her because she asked and was receptive to the truth of the hard things. She was actually interested in the hard things about it. And I was at this point where I was finally ready to share.
Let's just say God orchestrated the friendship at the perfect time in both of our lives/walks/families so that we could both learn from one another. I learned how to be honest about hard things. You can read her funny, heartwarming blog here at Sarah's Blog. The super cool thing that God did with that time was two-fold: one, it got me to open up about a hard time in our family's life and it healed me as I shared it. When I opened up and talked about the hard truths, God was glorified and I was actually encouraged by it! I was also extremely encouraged by Sarah's response which was (in a nutshell) "Yes, I have my eyes wide open!" Better still, God used part of it to encourage Sarah and her husband, Jess, to pursue adoption in their family!
Here's the cool part and the whole point of that last paragraph. Sarah decided the best way to go about it was to keep the dossier assembly on the down-low until it was completed. Now that it's submitted, they are having fun announcing it to their close friends and family (not in that order!) It dawned on me that we have done the opposite (both times). We have shared our news with everyone and now we get the constant questions from those who are interested, "How's the adoption going?"
THANK YOU FOR ASKING! We love to keep you in the loop. We love to talk about what God is doing in our family and in Ethiopia, and in the adoption agency we chose to partner with this time! It's good for us to talk about it, so keep asking. And if you haven't asked how it's going, please do. We welcome the asking, because it reminds us that we're in this together. Thank you to those who keep checking in.
So where are we now? We started our Home Study in February and it's being reviewed by the adoption agency now. They are waiting on two things from us before it can be officially "approved." One is a workbook called "Eyes Wide Open" that has about 20 chapters. We have a few more chapters left to go, then we send it in to our case manager who reviews our homework for completion (can you say SCHOOL!?)
We also have completed about 8 online courses through Adoption Learning Partners. Friends and family members who are totally on board with us about adoption, I CANNOT say enough good things about this website. I wish it had been available to us nine years ago as we began our first adoption. It's like a GOLD MINE of information for families. And not just the adoptive families, but the friends and families OF adoptive families as well. I've gleaned so much from the classes! My favorite two are Conspicuous Families and The Journey of Attachment. Take them if you love us.
We have one more set of classes to take at our local agency in Nashville, called Parents in Process. We will go every Tuesday night from 3-8pm for five Tuesdays in a row.
So can you tell that this agency is STELLAR when it comes to preparing families for what lies ahead? If I had to tell anyone adopting ONE THING only- it would be to choose an agency that requires this type of learning and education. Not preparing yourself would be like buying a boatload of fancy, expensive, gourmet food and not knowing how to cook. That's basically what our first adoption felt like. It's like getting married without having premarital counseling. You're just not prepared. It's turrible. :(
So that's where we are now. Once the home study is complete, we will apply for the I-600A (Petition to Adopt an Orphan through Homeland Security) and do a few other paperwork things and then we will be done with Dossier assembly hopefully by mid-September.
Then we wait. There is a two and a half year wait right now in Ethiopia. Our home study has approved us for one child that is ten months younger than the youngest child in the family at the time of placement. That means in 2.5 years, Thomas will be almost 4.5, so the referral of the boy must be at least 0-3 years old. We plan to name him Daniel, but if you've ever heard Claire's naming story, you know that naming a child can change at the last minute!
Waiting isn't hard for me. The Lord has taught me to wait for many things. I waited seven years to have kids. Well, technically I waited five, the Lord added two years to "my" timeline to really teach me!
So what can you do? Keep asking how we're doing. Encourage us however you see fit. It feels good and we need it.
Pray for our family if the Lord brings us to your mind. Pray for us to complete our adoption education and paperwork on time.
Pray for our future son!
Pray for God to be glorified in us when we are most satisfied in HIM!
Until the next time...
Let's just say God orchestrated the friendship at the perfect time in both of our lives/walks/families so that we could both learn from one another. I learned how to be honest about hard things. You can read her funny, heartwarming blog here at Sarah's Blog. The super cool thing that God did with that time was two-fold: one, it got me to open up about a hard time in our family's life and it healed me as I shared it. When I opened up and talked about the hard truths, God was glorified and I was actually encouraged by it! I was also extremely encouraged by Sarah's response which was (in a nutshell) "Yes, I have my eyes wide open!" Better still, God used part of it to encourage Sarah and her husband, Jess, to pursue adoption in their family!
Here's the cool part and the whole point of that last paragraph. Sarah decided the best way to go about it was to keep the dossier assembly on the down-low until it was completed. Now that it's submitted, they are having fun announcing it to their close friends and family (not in that order!) It dawned on me that we have done the opposite (both times). We have shared our news with everyone and now we get the constant questions from those who are interested, "How's the adoption going?"
THANK YOU FOR ASKING! We love to keep you in the loop. We love to talk about what God is doing in our family and in Ethiopia, and in the adoption agency we chose to partner with this time! It's good for us to talk about it, so keep asking. And if you haven't asked how it's going, please do. We welcome the asking, because it reminds us that we're in this together. Thank you to those who keep checking in.
So where are we now? We started our Home Study in February and it's being reviewed by the adoption agency now. They are waiting on two things from us before it can be officially "approved." One is a workbook called "Eyes Wide Open" that has about 20 chapters. We have a few more chapters left to go, then we send it in to our case manager who reviews our homework for completion (can you say SCHOOL!?)
We also have completed about 8 online courses through Adoption Learning Partners. Friends and family members who are totally on board with us about adoption, I CANNOT say enough good things about this website. I wish it had been available to us nine years ago as we began our first adoption. It's like a GOLD MINE of information for families. And not just the adoptive families, but the friends and families OF adoptive families as well. I've gleaned so much from the classes! My favorite two are Conspicuous Families and The Journey of Attachment. Take them if you love us.
We have one more set of classes to take at our local agency in Nashville, called Parents in Process. We will go every Tuesday night from 3-8pm for five Tuesdays in a row.
So can you tell that this agency is STELLAR when it comes to preparing families for what lies ahead? If I had to tell anyone adopting ONE THING only- it would be to choose an agency that requires this type of learning and education. Not preparing yourself would be like buying a boatload of fancy, expensive, gourmet food and not knowing how to cook. That's basically what our first adoption felt like. It's like getting married without having premarital counseling. You're just not prepared. It's turrible. :(
So that's where we are now. Once the home study is complete, we will apply for the I-600A (Petition to Adopt an Orphan through Homeland Security) and do a few other paperwork things and then we will be done with Dossier assembly hopefully by mid-September.
Then we wait. There is a two and a half year wait right now in Ethiopia. Our home study has approved us for one child that is ten months younger than the youngest child in the family at the time of placement. That means in 2.5 years, Thomas will be almost 4.5, so the referral of the boy must be at least 0-3 years old. We plan to name him Daniel, but if you've ever heard Claire's naming story, you know that naming a child can change at the last minute!
Waiting isn't hard for me. The Lord has taught me to wait for many things. I waited seven years to have kids. Well, technically I waited five, the Lord added two years to "my" timeline to really teach me!
So what can you do? Keep asking how we're doing. Encourage us however you see fit. It feels good and we need it.
Pray for our family if the Lord brings us to your mind. Pray for us to complete our adoption education and paperwork on time.
Pray for our future son!
Pray for God to be glorified in us when we are most satisfied in HIM!
Until the next time...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)