I wear corrective lenses. I have since high school. I remember when my parents discovered that I couldn't see faraway and they took me to the eye doctor to get my first pair of glasses. It was a wonderful thing to finally see clearly! What strikes me as odd though, is how I didn't really know things WEREN'T in focus until someone else (in this case, my parents) pointed out that they SHOULD be!
The Christian life is like that. I didn't KNOW I needed Christ until God pursued my heart of stone and made it a heart of flesh that lives and beats to serve my King.
When we had the photographer here last week to take some family pictures, she pulled out this ginormous lens. It seriously looked like a Sports Illustrated lens or something. It was really long and wide at the end. I thought it was a zoom lens but it turns out it was just this amazing lens that ended up taking beautiful pictures of us sitting in our living room. As she was taking it out, she remarked about how long it took her to save for it, but how glad she is that she has it because it takes amazing pictures. Sitting on the opposite end of the camera, we didn't know the difference between that lens and a regular one, but to HER, the photographer, the one with "the eye," she knew THAT lens was what she needed.
The Christian life is like that. God knows what we need. He knows the lens to use on us. He knows when to lean in, press down, filter out.
Stay with me here. I'm going somewhere.
Last week we turned in our Dossier to our placing agency. You know those deadlines you have in life... the ones that loom over you... you dread them... and miraculously, somehow, by the grace of God, you slide into home plate completing them on time? That's how our Dossier assembly was. For the last six months, we have worked at assembling documents, notarizing them, and completing our Home Study with the deadline looming in front of us.
The deadline actually worked in our favor, because it caused us to hustle and get things completed before the husband had to go away again so it all came together very nicely in the end. It wasn't without stress and a few arguments with one another- we aren't the Cleaver's, people! But it came together and I couldn't believe it. What a relief. (Did I mention that failure to complete Dossier within six months would incur a $500/month penalty??? Yes, our agency is STRICT!)
So we submitted the Dossier and Chris hopped on a plane. Sliding into home plate, people. I could clearly see God's hand in the completion of our paperwork. I could clearly see his providence as we finished. I could clearly see that God was working with us and for us to do things that were hard.
It's not unusual for Dossiers to need corrections, and a good agency will catch those revisions before it's sent to the country you're adopting from. Our Case Worker called yesterday and said there were four corrections that needed to be made. Not a problem, except that Chris has to sign and notarize three of the four documents. It is exactly at this point when I lose faith.
What happened to my "clearly seeing his providence?" Out the window. Gone. I went from completely resting, trusting, and rejoicing in God to worrying, freaking out, and losing all my faith in Him. I'm not exaggerating. I've been angry, annoyed, frustrated, looking for someone to blame besides myself, critical of my inability to have a perfect Dossier... you name it and the thought has raced through my mind a least a dozen times; and that's just since yesterday.
I wanted to write this blog called "Different Perspectives" and share with you this enlightened moment I had last week when the photographer was taking our family pictures. The way she captured us, the way she spent time getting to know us and our story made me realize that how I see myself (in my pj's until noon, griping at my kids, doing a lousy job of teaching at home, constantly wondering if I'm doing enough, ending days with snippy tones of "GO TO BED!!") and how others see us (everyone all cute, well groomed, smiling nicely for the camera) sometimes requires the use of a different lens.
The lens I see myself through is a critical one. It's always fixing mistakes. It's always pointing out what I'm NOT doing. When I was able to see our family through the photographer's lens, what I saw was different. I saw the good stuff. I saw the fruit of my labor. I saw joy. I saw peace. I saw silliness. I saw myself smiling. I saw my kids smiling. I saw us getting along. I saw my kids cuteness, smallness, sweetness.
In the day in and day out I just don't see myself or my family that way.
Sometimes it helps to just switch lenses and see things in a new way.
I guess that's my point. When the bad news came about the things we need to fix in the Dossier, I dropped the lens. I lost my focus. It's like taking off the glasses and everything is blurry and out of focus. One little thing just THROWS ME. BIG TIME.
When will I get it?
God is the master photographer. He holds the right lens. He knows when to lean in, press down, and filter out. Nothing that happened regarding our Dossier came as a surprise to Him.
And I SHOULD, as His Child, take great delight and rest in knowing that.
He knew that Chris would be overseas and the Dossier would sit and wait.
He knew that we wouldn't go on the Wait List for our son for six more weeks...
He orchestrated these things. This timing. It's exactly HIS timing.
But because it's out of focus FOR ME; I resist HIS will.
There's the rub of the Christian life, my friends. What is out of focus for US is completely within God's perfect plan.
I needed to write this to remind myself of so many things. The first is that God saved me when I was a sinner. When things were ALL out of focus for me, and I didn't even know it, HE DID THAT. And at the perfect time, He saved me. Just like needing glasses and not realizing it, I didn't realize I needed Christ. But God, in His sovereignty, saved me.
The second is that God knows what I need. God knows I'm a control freak and I take great pride in being able to accomplish many things in my own strength and ability. Thanks, God, for wiring me with confidence! Now, if only I could put that confidence in CHRIST- my only HOPE!
You see, God orchestrates these "THINGS" in my life to remind me where to set my HOPE. Is my hope in myself? Well, yes, actually, if I'm super honest, YES. It absolutely IS. I like to do things myself, and do them well, and then pat myself on the back.
But what this experience is teaching me is that God wants me to put my HOPE in HIM. He wants me COMPLETELY LACKING so ALL my strength, hope, joy, peace, you name it, can come SOLELY FROM HIM AND HIM ALONE.
The real question is, can I submit to THAT? Can this control-freak, super confident, "I got this!" girl relinquish that kind of power to an Almighty God who says I can trust Him?
I'm working on it.
