Exercising is hard, exercising faith is harder.

I don't like to exercise. I have to have a personal trainer to motivate me, otherwise riding bikes and walking the dog are as good as it gets for me right now. Exercise is hard.

But exercising faith is harder!

Last week we spent a week at the beach as a family. It was wonderful! I forgot how many bridges there are connecting the costal waterways of the Florida panhandle until my husband (the navigator) said calmly, "Turn left and go over the bridge and you'll see the hotel on the right."

My heart immediately started racing. Did he say BRIDGE?

With sweaty palms, I turned off the radio, cranked up the A/C and started ranting about how much I disliked driving over bridges. Then I realized the kids were actually listening, and I became fearless and brave. Ha ha ha. I want to teach them to deal with their fears, so watching Mommy conquer hers is a good opportunity!

It wasn't a huge bridge like my soaring imagination created.

(Have you ever driven over a huge, high bridge?  All I can think about is soaring over the edge into the water below-- too many movies???!!!)

It's terrifying, y'all.

Anyway, I drove over it to get to the nice hotel we were staying at. It was worth it.

The next morning, I had to drive over that same bridge and a few others to get around town. It was still scary, but each day was less and less terrifying.

That's when I had the title to this blog post pop in my head. When I was driving over the bridge for the first time, I started thinking about exercising faith. I had to put my faith into action by driving over the bridge. I didn't like it, but I exercised my faith when I drove over it.

I could've pulled over and had my husband take the wheel.

I could've panicked and screamed the whole way over.

I could've turned around.

But exercising our faith is the point!

If I have faith, but don't exercise it, it's useless to me.

Like a muscle group you haven't strengthened (most of mine lately), faith has to be exercised to be useful and meaningful.

So I welcomed the opportunity to exercise faith at the beach everyday. ;)

Then I thought about our Ethiopia adoption process. It's getting longer, ya'll. 4-6 years now.

Did I already mention that in earlier posts? Probably. Sorry.

But I'm choosing to exercise my faith.

Sometimes it's a weak faith; "Lord, I'll be so old to have another baby in the house! Why are you making it take so long?"

Sometimes is a powerhouse faith; "Lord, I don't know why it's taking so long, but I trust you completely."

Sometimes it's an encouraging faith; "Lord, I learned so much from Emily's adoption, I know you have this and I give it to you."

Sometimes it's an obedient faith; "Lord, yes, I'll adopt again."

How does faith manifest itself in your circumstances? What kind of faith are you exercising? Is it weak, powerhouse, encouraging, obedient? All of the above? None?

Are you lacking faith in an area of your life that God really wants you to lay it down? (Hint: the one you're avoiding is probably it!) ;)

My friend asked me how I am managing a long wait for this second adoption.

I am managing in a couple of ways, the first is focusing on where I am NOW- the Lord has filled my life with four children to train and teach about His ways. I'm occupied in the meantime.

Secondly, I'm focusing on obedience in my walk with God right now. I've obeyed His call on our family to adopt again. I've obeyed His call to Ethiopia through my husband's specific calling there. I've obeyed the agency and completed a Dossier. Now I'm obeying God by waiting patiently.

These two things- focusing on where I'm at NOW and obeying God daily are really helping me through this journey.

Please pray for Ethiopia to remain open and ethical adoptions to continue there. Please pray for our family as we seek to obey God in the waiting.

The Process of Becoming

I am reading this fantastic storybook to my kids called "Kingdom Tales." It came with the curriculum in My Father's World and it's fabulous.

In it, all of the characters that enter the Kingdom go through the fire and become their true selves. The young tomboy girl walks through the fire and becomes Princess. The fearful, scarred boy walks through the fire and becomes Hero. The old, feeble Caretaker walks though the fire and becomes the King. You get the idea. When you walk through the fire you become your true self. In the book, this process is called "Becoming."

Becoming.

I like that.

We are becoming more like him, day by day.

But we won't be perfect until He returns.

Lately the Lord has really been working on my Becoming. What I mean is that He really is interested in ME becoming more like HIM. And when I say he's interested in it, I mean He's REALLY interested in it. In fact, he obsesses over it.  Obsesses over me transforming into being more like HIM.

Confused yet?

It's weird, I know.

I heard this part of a sermon last Thursday that I can't shake. The pastor (sorry, I don't know who it was or anything) said something to the effect of "God is using YOUR circumstances to make you more like him. You may think it's a mistake, you may think this isn't where you're supposed to be or what you're supposed to be doing, but it is actually God using your situation to make you more like him. This is his GRACE that he is showing you. You see, we tend to think of grace as warm and fuzzy and lovely (which it IS) but it's also HARD and CHALLENGING and TRYING sometimes. And that's God's GRACE in your life when you accept where He has you, so He can accomplish HIS purpose in you."

I butchered that paraphrase, but you get the idea.

And it hit me like a rock in that moment. I've been resisting God for so long on this motherhood journey. I've resisted it like a two year old throwing a tantrum. I've resisted HIS GRACE. But He is showing me grace by giving me what I need to become more like Him. And there is beauty in that. So much beauty!

You see, I really shouldn't have four children. I shouldn't be adopting more.

Because I'm just TOO angry.

Too mean.

Too relentless.

Too prideful.

Too moody.

Too belittling.

Too petty.

I'm too much of everything I shouldn't be.

And don't you know, God knew it?

God, in HIS GRACE, is using my circumstance to refine me. He's actually using it! You know how I know?

Because I'm LESS angry than I used to be.

I'm less mean than I used to be.

I'm more relenting than I used to be.

I'm learning how to be more humble in spirit, but I BATTLE my pride daily still.

I'm less moody (except for that one week).

I don't belittle as much and when I do start to do it, I notice it.

Instead of feeling like I just need to survive this season, why don't I boast in the fact that God is doing amazing things through me in it?

Because he is.

And that is His GRACE.

And yes, I feel the need to capitalize it every time I type the word because, well, we SHOULD be capitalizing on HIS GRACE in us every minute. Every small victory. Every great loss. Every apt word. Every thing is literally covered, smothered like a chicken casserole in his GREAT GRACE.

His Mercy.

His Love.

His Hand.

His Beauty in us.

We are all BECOMING. I am becoming more like Jesus as I serve my family in the day to day tasks, the small, unseen things, the obedience of teaching at home.

 In the book, we see the true self of the characters come through as they walk through the fires.

Y'all, I know that what I THINK I AM, I'm really not.

I'm really not THAT mean, angry, relentless, prideful, moody mom...

maybe this side of the fire I CAN be,

but as I walk through it, daily dying to self,

I am BECOMING something altogether different.

Lift Your Arms Up

Last week my little boy threw a tantrum. Nothing crazy, just your run of the mill, tired two year old tantrum. I was trying to get him into his pajamas as he cried angrily over something unknown to me.

 I said to him, "I know you're mad. I can see that. But I need you to lift your arms up so I can take your shirt off and get you ready for bed."

And IN HIS FIT he lifted his arms up. (This is a miracle).

And as he lifted them, his face was turning redder, his tears were still streaming down his adorable little face, and his mouth was drooling as he screamed. But he lifted his arms.

Obedience.

And I thought of myself, and my relationship with God, and I thought, how many ways do I too, have fits just like that about what God is asking me to do?

Why did God give me four (and probably five) kids when I struggle with anger? I'm gonna mess them up so bad!

Why did God ask me to homeschool all of them? They are gonna have so many gaps it's not even funny!

Why did God give me lots of kids, ask me to homeschool them, and then give me a husband who is around half the time? It's like hurky jerky around here with all this coming and going.

Because GOD knew that's exactly what Carrie Abraham needed to flesh out some things that otherwise could easily slip under the radar of "wholly submitted to God."

It took four kids to break me, y'all.

I had three down like a well-oiled machine. I was on top, I was in control, I still had it "together," if you know what I mean.

And then God gave me one more.

And everything came undone.

Literally.

I know what some of you are thinking right now.

FOUR! It took FOUR! I only have (insert your number) and I'm BROKEN!

And that's my point exactly, ladies.

What God uses to bring YOU to the point of FULL submission to His will is different for each of us. So we can all stop with the comparisons.

What God is using to refine YOU in YOUR life is different from what He uses in MINE (or hers, or his)... you get the point, right?

For me, it was four kids & homeschool; for someone else it's something entirely DIFFERENT.

And here's the point about the tantrum. God doesn't want us all cleaned up and sparkling before we come to Him with our stuff.

I know we don't like to think about coming to God in a "fit." It doesn't seem right- we should be so lovable, sweet, and nice-sounding... I mean, He's God, after all, let's make an effort!

But the truth is He wants us red faced, tears streaming down our cheeks, mouth drooling and screaming our heads off. It's not pretty, but it's real.

God wants us lifting our arms in OBEDIENCE even when we battle the idea of what He is working out in us. 

It's tough, y'all. I'm not going to lie. I have been in the trenches with this, battling this very thing for awhile now. I've been clenching my fists tighter around the thing I know God wants from me.

Am I going to OBEY God when it's uncomfortable?

Am I going to OBEY God even when my heart and mind trail behind?

Am I going to OBEY God when I can't control the OUTCOME? (And I SO like to control outcomes, you have absolutely NO idea).

Yes.

 But it's not going to be pretty. And He may have to pry open my fingers sometimes.

But I'll do it anyway.

Because somehow, even my little boy knew that lifting his arms would help him somehow.

And even when my fists are clenched, and my mind is set, and I'm resolved to control this thing...

I know, deep down, in the deepest parts of my heart, that lifting my arms to God is all I can do.

And THAT is enough.