From Military Brat to Wannabe Local: Lessons Learned While Staying Put

January of 2014 will mark seven years for us here in Clarksville, TN.

The longest we've ever lived anywhere, ever.

We lived in Okinawa for almost five years which is tied for me with Birmingham, where I was for five years (four in college and one year post-college before Chris and I got married).

So seven years feels long. And monumental, in a way.

Growing up a military brat, both hubs and I moved every 2-3 years. We've lived all over the world.
We loved it. We wouldn't trade it for anything and constantly refer back to it as a great gift our parents gave us. So all you Marine and Army wives that I know can chillax. Your kids are going to be FINE. Look at us! ;)

I was chatting it up with my new good friend tonight at ballet and we were just sharing, sharing, sharing. You would've thought by the way we were talking that we knew each other since birth. (Which a lot of those ladies at THAT ballet class actually HAVE, people. I'm serious. It's like the Good Old Boys Club for Ladies here in the CLV. Don't get me started.)

Okay, so we were talking about everything from homeschooling well in this Advent season, to raising boys and why it's harder than raising girls (at least in these early years anyway), to our husband's line of work, to our struggles as moms, to military moves,  and even our family schedules. Yes, we covered a lot in an hour. That's what moms do. We talk fast when we can. We squeeze it in. We make it happen ASAP. Cuz who knows when the next chance will be...

And here's the thing. I've know Leigh for about a month. And when I say I've known her, what I mean is that I have been going to church and she was there and our kids have the same ballet class together. (But unlike her, I leave my toddler strapped into the carseat and don't get out of my car for an hour). She is the fun mom who brings toys in a big bag for her kids to play with while their sister dances. I throw my toddler the iPad and pray for the hour to go by fast enough so he doesn't notice he's imprisoned by a four-point harness and a minivan. So far, so good.

Again, I digress.

I HAVE A POINT!

This is it. Military spouses aren't afraid to get real and get real fast. I'm not saying other folks aren't real, I'm just suggesting that because of the constant "we're moving in a year" feeling that most military spouses feel, they tend to open themselves up much more quickly and willingly than most other people. And this, my friends, is a WONDERFUL quality. It means you don't spend a lot of time feeding at the surface of superficial bologna. "How are you?" "Good!" "How are you?" "Good!" (Which happens to be one of my pet peeves!) It means you can open up, let it all hang out, and still be accepted. At least for awhile anyway. Because those friends WILL move.

After being in one place for nearly seven years, I've become used to being the one that is left behind while the other military families move on for "the next thing." It's WAY harder to stay put and say goodbye than it is to leave. In a sense, it's easy to leave because you're moving on to something different, and it's change, and it's new and exciting.

Also, I learned something a few years ago that has really stayed with me and has been a great lesson to me. I had a major falling out with an acquaintance and she moved. We reconciled a little before she left, but it wasn't a full reconciliation. I spent hours, days, weeks, and many conversations seeking Godly counsel over that fallout and came to terms with it eventually. It was not pretty. (Those refining fires never are!) Eventually I got over it. We were only acquaintances anyway... what's the big deal? I don't know, the fallout just had a major affect on me. And the lesson I learned in all that was that PEOPLE CHANGE. But when they move in the middle of something like that, you don't always get to SEE THE CHANGE. You miss it.  And two years later, after I had long put it behind me and forgiven her, she sent me a note that said "I have finally forgiven you."

WHAM.

DUDE.

I was over it way before she ever was. And I didn't get to see the change. And that's okay. I think we need to give ourselves permission here to let others BE IN THEIR PLACE and just accept that. We don't have to be ALL waiting for THEM TO CHANGE so WE CAN BE ALL HAPPY and KOSHER. Let the Lord do His work in His time in His people. He will be faithful to do it.

And even though I wasn't expecting that note, it was a relief to me. I read in a book once that forgiving people isn't for THEM to be set free, it's FOR US to be set free. So true. So true.

I hope I haven't gone down a rabbit hole here. I know there is a more concise way of saying all that I just said. I've learned so much about staying in one place.

 I love running into people I knew six years ago in the grocery store.

I love knowing the routes to get everywhere and not having to think while I'm driving about where I'm going. (It's really nice!)

I love seeing familiar faces at the places we frequent (grocery stores, restaurants, stores). I wonder if I'm familiar to them at Target?

 I like meeting new friends that are new here and just desperate like I was seven years ago to make friends!

I love the chance to mess up and heal broken friendships and have do-overs.

I love that those who know me, can see me change and witness my growth and help remind me of it when I forget.

I love that I have friends that know the real me with the ugly cry and the shaking the fists to the heavens and the honesty that comes with it.

I think growing up I always tended to keep people at arms length in friendship because I knew we were moving. It was my defense mechanism to protect my own feelings of sadness and loss.

Now that I'm a "wannabe local" I'm over that! I enjoy putting it all out there. On the first playdate. At the first ballet class.

Sorry if you're in earshot while I'm gabbing it up with a new friend. You'll get my whole life story.

Welcome the Wait

A few days ago we received our "Favorable Determination Letter" (or FDL) in the mail from the U.S. Department of Citizenship and Immigration Services (USCIS). It was quite a moment for me, sitting alone (not) on the porch, going through the mail.

The FDL is a formal, official, pre-approval for us to adopt from Ethiopia. It's our government's way of saying, Carrie and Chris, you passed all the requirements and we will allow this. It's pretty amazing. It brought me to tears. Here's why: I can write checks and fill out forms all day long. (Okay, not really... but I mean it's not a hard thing for me- I like administrative stuff like that).

Some people are so daunted at the task of putting together a Dossier they never adopt because they can't get past the bureaucracy of it all. I can't tell you how many times I've heard people say, "Why do they make it so hard to adopt?" Well, child trafficking for starters.

But really, if you can't stand the test of people you hardly know looking into every nook and cranny of your personal, financial, and daily life then you can't handle adoption. Because that, my friends, is just the beginning of the process.

The paperwork process is a filter.

That's why there was so much joy in that moment for me. It made the paper, the payments, the bureaucracy of it all very, very real. It made it worth it. It meant, all of a sudden, after six months of paperwork and corrections, that all that work was actually FOR something. That paperwork said we are approved to adopt one boy or two, with at least one being a boy, from Ethiopia. Amazing.

Truly amazing.

And then today. Today is the day we will mark on our calendars as if it were a birthday. Today our Dossier was officially approved at our adoption (placing) agency. Today is the day we go on the Wait List at All God's Children International. Today is the day we officially join the other waiting families for our child or children. Only the Lord knows. And we trust Him. And we continue to wait.

It will be long. (2-3 years).

We will have to renew and update forms along the way. (Every 15-18 months).

We will have to pay more fees for those updates and renewals. ($85-$720)

And it will all be worth it, two or three years from now when we get that referral and bring home our son (or sons, or son and daughter!)

And then a whole new process will begin. A transition. A new family member (or two)! A new way of being this family.

And you know what I've learned? I've learned to wait well.

I've learned that the waiting is where the refining fires are. The fires that make me more like Christ; the suffering that only comes from the pain of a wait, a loss, a time without something you long for.

Makes me think of heaven. Makes me think of how I don't really long for heaven on a daily basis because I'm too caught up in the WHATEVER of the day.

So I welcome the wait. I welcome the pain of not having something our hearts have longed and will continue to long for until the day comes when the Lord completes our family through yet another adoption.

I welcome the wait because it's hard and it reminds me that we are all waiting for something this side of heaven.

Are you welcoming your wait?

theWhole30

Have you heard of theWhole30? It's hard to describe, but basically you give up sugar, dairy, carbs, alcohol, and refined foods for 30 days and see how you feel. I think the goal is to keep going because you feel so good after 30 days you just don't want to go back to your old way of eating. 

When the hubs left for this 40-day trip, I was feeling like crap-ola. I can't even tell you. I was grumpy and tired and no amount of sleep or time to myself was helping. I knew it was my diet. I knew it was what I was putting into my body that was making me tired and grumpy, but I didn't really know if I could DO theWhole30.

I had a myriad of excuses: the kids, my wine, the time it will take to eat whole foods all day long, the expense of eating "healthy" for 30 days... 

But this time, my feeling like crap-ola totally won over my excuse making.  Of course, when I messaged a few close friends and asked them to join me, they all cheered, "Hurray for you, NO WAY FOR ME!" (A few of them already eat healthy and said they would cut some things out, so they were my support group!) 

So after the hubs had been gone for one week, feeling terrible, I stayed up late one Sunday night and read all about theWhole30 and committed myself to it. 

I woke up the next morning and told the girls my decision and what it meant for me. There was my straight up accountability. For real. Tell a 6, 7, & 8 year old what you're NOT eating for 30 days and they will HOLD YOU TO IT. I knew I had to tell them or I'd be sneaking brownies in the corner.

Did I mention we're together 24/7, 3 meals a day (can you say homeschool)?!?!?

Awesome.

Don't worry, I'm not going to go into a detailed journal of my last 30 days. But I will give you the highlights. I kept caffeine, just dropped the sugar and cream. I can drink my coffee black, as long as it's good coffee like justlovecoffee or some whole beans straight from the motherland. (Ethiopia, people)!

I felt great on Day 1-4. Then I wanted to die. I stopped feeling like I wanted to die around Day 14. Then I got my groove on and was fine until Day 30.

There were good days, great recipes, and bad days, recipe fails, and eating out occasionally. Some people say that it's really hard to eat out on theWhole30 but that wasn't the case for me. At Chipotle I had a bowl with no rice or beans, lots of veggies, meat, pico, lettuce, and guacamole. It was delicious, even if I did miss the flavor of the cilantro lime rice. (But not the bloated feeling that comes with it!) At Chick-Fil-A I had a salad and left off the packets of toppings and salad dressing. That was easy. Maybe it wasn't ALL organic ALL the time, but it was better than nuggets, dipping sauce, and milkshakes! 

I'm embarrassed to admit this, but the hardest part for me was definitely the glass of wine. I didn't realize how attached I was to the wine until I had to stop. Especially when the hubs is gone, I look forward to "making it through the day" and "celebrating" with a glass or two. It's my way of saying to myself, "You did it! You homeschooled your children, got them to their activities, got them home and in the bed, now you deserve this glass of Pinot Grigio!" I did this almost everyday. I looked forward to this everyday. My kids could tell you where the wine glasses are, and where the wine is. My kids could also see very clearly that I was having a glass daily. Because the first night I stopped they said, "Mommy, where is your wine?" And at that moment I realized what it had become. It had become and idol. I propped it up and covered it up with all the accomplishments listed above, but it was an idol. And it probably took me longer to get over that one than the sugar. So sad, I know.

So hot tea became my new wine. Yes, I have two cups of black coffee in the morning and then it's hot tea in the afternoon and evening. I LOVE peppermint tea. When I was in K, we lived in Ramstein, Germany and I went to a German Kindergarten. They served hot peppermint tea there and I've loved it ever since. It's relaxing, soothing, calming. It's yummy! I also like Earl Grey, Orange Cinnamon Spice, and occasionally I'll have a cup of Green Tea with Lemongrass. (Need some agave in THAT ONE!)

Anyway, I had days where I cheated. Not entirely, but I repeatedly made Chocolate Mug Cake with honey and cocoa in it, I ate a chocolate chip cookie one night when I made a batch for a sleepover, and I ate a cinnamon roll one morning before church after making them for the kids. I didn't freak out and think I needed to start my whole30 over, I just kept moving forward and making better choices. No biggie. 

I think sometimes we can over-think, over-analyze, and even over-spiritualize things to the point where THEY become idols in themselves. 

I found myself replacing my need for sugar and wine with retail therapy that first week. If I can't eat what I want, then I'm going shopping! Get what you want, girls! Momma's doing theWhole30! 

I'm an idol factory.

We all are. 

We replace one idol for another and call ourselves good. We think we are better than others because our idols are good ones. 

And that's all I was doing. Instead of medicating myself with food or wine, I was medicating with retail therapy instead of God himself. 

He offers Himself to me and I turn to lesser things. 

It was so easy. 

I was so proud. 

I am so stupid.

So here I am at the end of theWhole30 and I feel amazing. I can see a difference in my face, my body, my mood, my energy levels throughout the day. 

I didn't want to tell everyone I was doing this for a couple of reasons. Um, first, impression management- hello? Look at me, I'm doing theWhole30! Watch me be amazing! Please, look at me be awesome! No thanks. 

Secondly, I thought of it like a fast. I needed to give up some things so I could reset my body's natural signals. I can tell you after the first few days when your body is going through SERIOUS withdrawal of the sugars, you can't even TELL what your body is saying because before, you were just feeding the sugar crash all day long. When you remove that, you're able to actually hear your body tell you what it needs. I know it sounds crazy. 

I'm a black and white girl. I'm all or nothing. I'm all in or I'm all out. TheWhole30 is like that, don't try to tweak it and do a few parts, do theWhole30 or get out. I love it. 

Did I mention that I slept like a baby all month? Oh my goodness, that was worth it right there. 

And at the risk of making theWhole30 INTO an idol where we fall at the feet of the creators of theWhole30 and worship it as a lifestyle... let me just say, it feels so good to be a good steward of the body God has given me. 

Repeat after me:

Good. Not perfect. 

Repeat after me:

Good. Not perfect. 

And at the risk of sounding judge-y of you if you haven't done this, are you being a good steward of the temple God has given you? What would it look like for you to make a change? What kind of change is do-able for where you're at right now?

Having the Right Lens With Which to See

I wear corrective lenses. I have since high school. I remember when my parents discovered that I couldn't see faraway and they took me to the eye doctor to get my first pair of glasses. It was a wonderful thing to finally see clearly!  What strikes me as odd though, is how I didn't really know things WEREN'T in focus until someone else (in this case, my parents) pointed out that they SHOULD be!

The Christian life is like that. I didn't KNOW I needed Christ until God pursued my heart of stone and made it a heart of flesh that lives and beats to serve my King.

When we had the photographer here last week to take some family pictures, she pulled out this ginormous lens. It seriously looked like a Sports Illustrated lens or something. It was really long and wide at the end. I thought it was a zoom lens but it turns out it was just this amazing lens that ended up taking beautiful pictures of us sitting in our living room. As she was taking it out, she remarked about how long it took her to save for it, but how glad she is that she has it because it takes amazing pictures. Sitting on the opposite end of the camera, we didn't know the difference between that lens and a regular one, but to HER, the photographer, the one with "the eye," she knew THAT lens was what she needed.

The Christian life is like that. God knows what we need. He knows the lens to use on us. He knows when to lean in, press down, filter out.

Stay with me here. I'm going somewhere.

Last week we turned in our Dossier to our placing agency. You know those deadlines you have in life... the ones that loom over you... you dread them... and miraculously, somehow, by the grace of God, you slide into home plate completing them on time? That's how our Dossier assembly was. For the last six months, we have worked at assembling documents, notarizing them, and completing our Home Study with the deadline looming in front of us.

The deadline actually worked in our favor, because it caused us to hustle and get things completed before the husband had to go away again so it all came together very nicely in the end. It wasn't without stress and a few arguments with one another- we aren't the Cleaver's, people! But it came together and I couldn't believe it. What a relief. (Did I mention that failure to complete Dossier within six months would incur a $500/month penalty??? Yes, our agency is STRICT!)

So we submitted the Dossier and Chris hopped on a plane. Sliding into home plate, people. I could clearly see God's hand in the completion of our paperwork. I could clearly see his providence as we finished. I could clearly see that God was working with us and for us to do things that were hard.

It's not unusual for Dossiers to need corrections, and a good agency will catch those revisions before it's sent to the country you're adopting from. Our Case Worker called yesterday and said there were four corrections that needed to be made. Not a problem, except that Chris has to sign and notarize three of the four documents. It is exactly at this point when I lose faith.

What happened to my "clearly seeing his providence?" Out the window. Gone. I went from completely resting, trusting, and rejoicing in God to worrying, freaking out, and losing all my faith in Him. I'm not exaggerating. I've been angry, annoyed, frustrated, looking for someone to blame besides myself, critical of my inability to have a perfect Dossier... you name it and the thought has raced through my mind a least a dozen times; and that's just since yesterday.

I wanted to write this blog called "Different Perspectives" and share with you this enlightened moment I had last week when the photographer was taking our family pictures. The way she captured us, the way she spent time getting to know us and our story made me realize that how I see myself (in my pj's until noon, griping at my kids, doing a lousy job of teaching at home, constantly wondering if I'm doing enough, ending days with snippy tones of "GO TO BED!!") and how others see us (everyone all cute, well groomed, smiling nicely for the camera) sometimes requires the use of a different lens.

The lens I see myself through is a critical one. It's always fixing mistakes. It's always pointing out what I'm NOT doing. When I was able to see our family through the photographer's lens, what I saw was different. I saw the good stuff. I saw the fruit of my labor. I saw joy. I saw peace. I saw silliness. I saw myself smiling. I saw my kids smiling. I saw us getting along. I saw my kids cuteness, smallness, sweetness.

In the day in and day out I just don't see myself or my family that way.

Sometimes it helps to just switch lenses and see things in a new way.

I guess that's my point. When the bad news came about the things we need to fix in the Dossier, I dropped the lens. I lost my focus. It's like taking off the glasses and everything is blurry and out of focus. One little thing just THROWS ME. BIG TIME.

When will I get it?

God is the master photographer. He holds the right lens. He knows when to lean in, press down, and filter out. Nothing that happened regarding our Dossier came as a surprise to Him.

And I SHOULD, as His Child, take great delight and rest in knowing that.

He knew that Chris would be overseas and the Dossier would sit and wait.

He knew that we wouldn't go on the Wait List for our son for six more weeks...

He orchestrated these things. This timing. It's exactly HIS timing.

But because it's out of focus FOR ME;  I resist HIS will.

There's the rub of the Christian life, my friends. What is out of focus for US is completely within God's perfect plan.

I needed to write this to remind myself of so many things. The first is that God saved me when I was a sinner. When things were ALL out of focus for me, and I didn't even know it, HE DID THAT. And at the perfect time, He saved me. Just like needing glasses and not realizing it, I didn't realize I needed Christ. But God, in His sovereignty, saved me.

The second is that God knows what I need. God knows I'm a control freak and I take great pride in being able to accomplish many things in my own strength and ability. Thanks, God, for wiring me with confidence! Now, if only I could put that confidence in CHRIST- my only HOPE!

You see, God orchestrates these "THINGS" in my life to remind me where to set my HOPE. Is my hope in myself? Well, yes, actually, if I'm super honest, YES. It absolutely IS. I like to do things myself, and do them well, and then pat myself on the back.

But what this experience is teaching me is that God wants me to put my HOPE in HIM. He wants me COMPLETELY LACKING so ALL my strength, hope, joy, peace, you name it, can come SOLELY FROM HIM AND HIM ALONE.

The real question is, can I submit to THAT? Can this control-freak, super confident, "I got this!" girl relinquish that kind of power to an Almighty God who says I can trust Him?

I'm working on it.

A glimmer...

glim·mer  

/ˈglimər/

Verb Shine faintly with a wavering light: "pools of glimmering light".

Noun A faint or wavering light.

Synonyms verb.   shimmer - gleam - twinkle - flicker - glint - scintillate noun.   twinkle - shimmer - glint - glimpse - twinkling - gleam

This word has been on my mind. It came to me today as I was cleaning up the kitchen after feeding my three big kids plus three additional neighborhood kids that I invited to stay for lunch and playing all afternoon. The baby was napping. They are currently playing "restaurant" and "house" in the little play kitchen and my living room. I'm keeping them downstairs while the baby naps. It's a little rowdy, but it's good. It's a stark contrast to my last few days here... think crickets chirping.

Last week, the hubs took the three big kids to Virginia with him and left me here with the baby and the dog. It was a last minute decision. We were on our way home from adoption training in Nashville and it was late, I could feel myself getting that "I still have to pack tonight" cranky feeling, and the idea literally just popped in my head and I suggested it to the husband. He surprised me with a reply of "that would be such a relief!" and the decision was made. The hubs had meetings on Friday and his mom kept the girls. 

I had Wednesday-Sunday with just the baby and the dog. I promised my husband that I would use the time wisely and complete our online adoption courses and our adoption workbook. I did. 

I also went shopping a lot.

And our good friend, Mike, came over to finish painting as well. 

I didn't cook much. I didn't clean much. I read a lot. The baby was in bed every night by 7, so the evenings felt long.

I discovered the tv show ALIAS and got sucked into the first season.

Did I mention that I went shopping a lot? :)

Anyway, it was like a stroll back to a life I formerly had. It was about 8 years ago, we lived in AZ and only had one child. I was a new mom. I still cleaned my house before having friends over, I still cooked amazing meals made with the freshest ingredients inspired by the most recent recipes in Cooking Light magazine (that I had time to read!), and I am pretty sure that my husband and I had regular date nights on a weekly basis. 

Ah, that was the life. It was a good life. A sweet life. I was on top of things. I could keep my house clean, keep the laundry caught up, and prepare good meals. I think I was even beginning work on my master's degree in counseling at the time. I had time to use my gifts of hospitality to make all of our visitors feel a warm welcome. Fresh-cut flowers in the guest room, fresh clean sheets, super sparkly clean guest bathroom.

Wait. Maybe it wasn't all that sparkly. That's how I'm remembering it. The point is this: I HAD SO MUCH TIME ON MY HANDS TO DO THINGS!

I'm remembering it vividly because that's how I felt when my husband drove off with my kids. I had a brief moment of "I should've gone with them!" And as soon as they were out of sight I was over it. 

It was a wonderful time of rest, relaxation, catching up on little things, and time to have the head-space to process all those things left dangling in my mind. 

You see, those of you who make the choice to go to work (or bless those of you who have to, but wish you could stay home with your kids)... you add the stress of responsibility... but you also add an element of head-space that just doesn't exist for me right now. Think of your free moments- driving to work, typing an email, sitting at your desk quietly, walking to an office for a meeting, having a lunch break... all of these are little free moments where your brain gets to process or work on those dangling things. I don't know how else to describe them. They are just these small processes that need to get worked out in the mind. I don't have any of those moments all day long. Literally.

Now I'm not about to get all high and mighty about the sacrifices I make to homeschool our kids. But my days begin and end with my children actively involved in all things family life. Running errands, feeding them breakfast, lunch and dinner at home, doing activities, doing school, doing life! It's all connected. There is no head-space for me. Ever. When they go to bed, and the husband is home, we are engaging in catch-up conversation (or something else ;) and it's not free time to process. Do you get what I'm saying? I'm hoping you'll see that this dividing and conquering was THE BEST GIFT EVER to someone like me in this season of life.

I also know it won't last forever and these little people are going to be grown and flying the coop before I know it.

I know that because:

1) I'm getting old so time is passing faster than I realize. My hands don't work like they used to. Thanks for the arthritis, Mom. :)

2) The kids I used to babysit after college, they are getting MARRIED. They were like, 5 years old YESTERDAY. 

3) My 20th high school reunion is this weekend. #needisaymore

Okay, so here's my point. (Yes, I have one!)

The first three days of my stay-cation was fabulous. I loved every minute!!!! I was so refreshed! 

On Saturday, though, I started to miss the noise, the revolving door, the constant questions, the rattle of the children and the family life, the neighbors, the drop-ins, the everything. Even the food prep- all those meals! I missed feeding my family and friends!

Now HOW in the WORLD can I take a three-five day break from the last 8 years of my life as a wife and mother and suddenly miss it? I thought for sure I'd be cranky the day they returned. I'd be annoyed that my sanctuary of a home was now cluttered, messed up, and lived in again. 

But I wasn't. I was so excited for them to come home so I'd have someone to take care of again! (Dog + Baby = EASY!) I wanted to cook! I wanted to hear the noise! I wanted to be exhausted from the busyness of the family life. 

And here is the GLIMMER: All this time, ALL this time I have sort of looked the large family, homeschooling, exhausted mom, no time for herself gift in the mouth-- I have seen it, lived it, and sort of loved/hated it at the same time. 

But when they left and I had the glimmer of my past life- my easy, sweet, quality-time life... (not to judge all you moms with one kid and a dog right now)... I was just left WANTING. I wanted my crazy life back. Because here, with all the kids, the messy house, the revolving door, this is EXACTLY where God wants me and it's where I'M THRIVING. I WAS MADE FOR THIS! THIS IS WHY GOD CREATED ME! HE CREATED ME TO HAVE A FAMILY- A LARGE FAMILY- AND TO BE A BLESSING! I LOVE IT HERE!

Won't you join me?

I'm currently reading A Woman's High Calling. Elizabeth George minces no words. She tells no fluffy stories. She says hard things with love. If you are a Christ-follower, if you are married with children, you need to be in the Word daily. Don't make excuses. Get in the Word. Pray for your children, your husband. It's exactly the exhortation I needed this past week and I realized very fully the role God has literally CREATED me for. I don't want to do it perfectly, but I want to do it to the best of my gifting and abilities. I want to do it so that it glorifies God. 

Get a copy of this book and let the Holy Spirit use it to speak to you. I like the "dated-ness" of it because I just don't think there are many woman authors these days that drop the hammer like Elizabeth George does. There seems to be a wave of thinking that we women can have and do it all. We can't. We just can't. It's such a trap and a lie to believe we can. I would encourage each of you to find your calling and make sure you're where God wants you. 

I am. 

I just know it. 

Where we are in the adoption process--- July 2013

I have a friend who has four kids and home schools. She pursued me a few years ago to pick my brain about adoption. She wanted the "real" story, the nitty-gritty, an honest look into our experience with international adoption. I gave it to her because she asked and was receptive to the truth of the hard things. She was actually interested in the hard things about it. And I was at this point where I was finally ready to share.

Let's just say God orchestrated the friendship at the perfect time in both of our lives/walks/families so that we could both learn from one another. I learned how to be honest about hard things. You can read her funny, heartwarming blog here at  Sarah's Blog. The super cool thing that God did with that time was two-fold: one, it got me to open up about a hard time in our family's life and it healed me as I shared it. When I opened up and talked about the hard truths, God was glorified and I was actually encouraged by it! I was also extremely encouraged by Sarah's response which was (in a nutshell) "Yes, I have my eyes wide open!" Better still, God used part of it to encourage Sarah and her husband, Jess, to pursue adoption in their family!

Here's the cool part and the whole point of that last paragraph. Sarah decided the best way to go about it was to keep the dossier assembly on the down-low until it was completed. Now that it's submitted, they are having fun announcing it to their close friends and family (not in that order!) It dawned on me that we have done the opposite (both times). We have shared our news with everyone and now we get the constant questions from those who are interested, "How's the adoption going?"

THANK YOU FOR ASKING! We love to keep you in the loop. We love to talk about what God is doing in our family and in Ethiopia, and in the adoption agency we chose to partner with this time! It's good for us to talk about it, so keep asking. And if you haven't asked how it's going, please do. We welcome the asking, because it reminds us that we're in this together. Thank you to those who keep checking in.

So where are we now? We started our Home Study in February and it's being reviewed by the adoption agency now. They are waiting on two things from us before it can be officially "approved." One is a workbook called "Eyes Wide Open" that has about 20 chapters. We have a few more chapters left to go, then we send it in to our case manager who reviews our homework for completion (can you say SCHOOL!?)

We also have completed about 8 online courses through Adoption Learning Partners. Friends and family members who are totally on board with us about adoption, I CANNOT say enough good things about this website. I wish it had been available to us nine years ago as we began our first adoption. It's like a GOLD MINE of information for families. And not just the adoptive families, but the friends and families OF adoptive families as well. I've gleaned so much from the classes! My favorite two are Conspicuous Families and The Journey of Attachment. Take them if you love us.

We have one more set of classes to take at our local agency in Nashville, called Parents in Process. We will go every Tuesday night from 3-8pm for five Tuesdays in a row.

So can you tell that this agency is STELLAR when it comes to preparing families for what lies ahead? If I had to tell anyone adopting ONE THING only- it would be to choose an agency that requires this type of learning and education. Not preparing yourself would be like buying a boatload of fancy, expensive, gourmet food and not knowing how to cook. That's basically what our first adoption felt like. It's like getting married without having premarital counseling. You're just not prepared. It's turrible. :(

So that's where we are now. Once the home study is complete, we will apply for the I-600A (Petition to Adopt an Orphan through Homeland Security) and do a few other paperwork things and then we will be done with Dossier assembly hopefully by mid-September.

Then we wait. There is a two and a half year wait right now in Ethiopia. Our home study has approved us for one child that is ten months younger than the youngest child in the family at the time of placement. That means in 2.5 years, Thomas will be almost 4.5, so the referral of the boy must be at least 0-3 years old. We plan to name him Daniel, but if you've ever heard Claire's naming story, you know that naming a child can change at the last minute!

Waiting isn't hard for me. The Lord has taught me to wait for many things. I waited seven years to have kids. Well, technically I waited five, the Lord added two years to "my" timeline to really teach me!

So what can you do? Keep asking how we're doing. Encourage us however you see fit. It feels good and we need it.

Pray for our family if the Lord brings us to your mind. Pray for us to complete our adoption education and paperwork on time.

Pray for our future son!

Pray for God to be glorified in us when we are most satisfied in HIM!

Until the next time...

Five Hearts

This image came to my mind the other night while I was tucking in my four little hearts. We were lying in bed and I was listening to my oldest daughter's heartbeat. Then she asked to listen to mine. You have to be very quiet to hear it beating, so it was very quiet. As I listened to the thump, thump, thump of my daughter's heart, I suddenly became very aware of the fragility of life in general. God has given me four healthy children. Every day their hearts pound away in their chests, bringing them life and breath and health.

There is one more heart that is not yet physically part of our family but will be one day. That's the fifth heart. We don't even know if he has been born yet, but we trust God's timing and perfectness in it all.

Notice the two smaller hearts next to the numbers in this picture? I think of those as OUR hearts. We are the parents who shepherd, and although we are bigger in size and appearance, our hearts take the sidelines as we parent.

Maybe that doesn't make sense. What I mean is, since becoming believers in Christ, God has been shaping, teaching, molding and forming OUR hearts to bear his image. As we trust him to do this work (sanctification) we become more like Jesus. The things HE loves; we grow to love. The things HE despises, we grow to despise. It's a slow process. It takes time.

We are shaping, teaching, molding and forming our children's hearts right now. Every word we say can build them up or tear them down. Every act we take can do the same. I have been in a process of sanctification regarding this very thing with my children lately. Seems like I spend more time apologizing for my sins of anger, impatience, ugly tone of voice and general bossy-ness than I do speaking words that build them up. Part of it is parenting, I know. But part of it is also me not allowing God to have control of THAT part of my life. The words part. The talking down to my kids because I'm tired/frustrated/exhausted part.

Don't make excuses for me here. The devil would like me to believe the lies that he has told me for years. "You'll never break this angry cycle." "You're such a mean mom." "You have issues you will never fix." "How can you be so nice in front of strangers and so mean behind closed doors?"

You know what? It times to stop believing the lies of the devil. He doesn't have to work hard, does he?

He always hits us right where we are most vulnerable.

For me, it's the thought life.

So I'm fighting back with the truth of God's Word.

I'm meditating on verses like Ezekiel 11:19, "I'll put a new heart in you. I'll replace your heart of stone with a heart of flesh."

 Psalm 86:5 "For you, o Lord, are good and forgiving, abounding in steadfast love to all who call upon you."

 Isaiah 43:25, "I am he who blots out your transgressions FOR MY OWN SAKE, I will not remember your sins."

And Ephesians 1:7, "In HIM we have redemption through HIS blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to THE RICHES OF HIS GRACE."

So I'm choosing to overpower the tools of the devil with the power of God's Word. For too long I have succumbed to his lies. I've allowed the lies of the devil to convince me that's who I am and those tiny little lies become strongholds and it's not pretty.

Now I'm using the sword of the Spirit to teach my mind what to really think on. And I'm choosing to meditate and let God's PROMISES take over the LIES.

This is a heart issue. Proverbs 4:23 says "Keep your heart with all vigilance, for out of it flow the SPRINGS OF LIFE."

 My mouth has been overflowing with ugliness. Not life.

I've had enough of fighting this battle in secret and pretending it doesn't even exist when in fact, it's eating me alive.

It's time for my kids to see consistency and not hypocrisy.

Praise God for the RICHES OF HIS GRACE which allow me to confess my sin, turn from it, and move forward in GRACE.

This article was very helpful to me as I thought about this today, hopefully it can shed some light on the issue of Spiritual Warfare for you, too!

What is Spiritual Warfare?

Article ID: DW255

By: Hank Hanegraaff

This statement is based on questions frequently asked on the Bible Answer Man radio show hosted by CRI president Hank Hanegraaff. This question first appeared in the Questions and Answers Column of the November 1999 issue of the Christian Research Report. For further information go to: http://www.equip.org

C. S. Lewis cautioned against both imagining a demon behind every tree and believing Satan doesn’t exist. While two kingdoms are indeed in conflict (Matt. 12:22-30), Jesus Christ, through His death on the cross, made a spectacle out of the powers of darkness (Col. 2:15). What this means is that we engage in spiritual warfare by the sheer act of pursuing Christ.

Scripture admonishes us to stand firm against the devil and the evil forces of this world by employing the full armor of God, which is metaphorical language for knowing the truth, exercising faith, and practicing righteousness in our daily lives (Eph. 6:10-18; cf. 2 Cor. 10:4-6). To engage in spiritual warfare is to believe in Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of sins and to lead lives characterized by honesty, purity, prayer, Bible study, evangelism, and so on.

If someone struggles with bad thoughts, for example, rather than addressing demons on the issue, we ought to replace the bad thinking pattern with a good one. First, regardless of the source of the original thought (whether from Satan, another human, or our own sinful flesh), we are responsible for what we do with it. Furthermore, while we cannot directly stop thinking a bad thought (it’s virtually impossible not to think about a pink elephant when told not to!), we can consciously focus on something else in its place ¾ a thought that is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, and so forth (Phil. 4:8-9). Finally, practicing discipline in one area of our daily lives can affect our ability to overcome bad habits in other areas as well.

The bottom line is that we must submit ourselves to God through faith in Jesus Christ, who by His life, death, and resurrection has defeated Satan (Heb. 2:14; 1 John 3:8). What remains is to simply resist the devil, for then, the Bible says, he will flee (James 4:7).

Conspicuous Families

con·spic·u·ous  

/kənˈspikyo͞oəs/

Adjective Standing out so as to be clearly visible. Attracting notice or attention.

Synonyms prominent - noticeable - notable - marked - outstanding

Tonight I had the pleasure of hanging out with some girlfriends that I used to to do MOPS with a few years ago. It was bittersweet, since we were farewelling a friend who is off to her husband's next duty station. 

I had a chance to catch up with a girlfriend that had a son, adopted another son, and is now pregnant with #3! It was a joyful moment for me when I learned the good news that she was expecting! I remember her telling me that she had always thought about adopting, but didn't know how God was going to use that in her life. 

I don't even know the details of the very fast adoption that happened for her and her family the year I left MOPS. But I know God's hand was in it. And she has a beautiful African-American son as a result. She, her husband, and her bio son are Caucasian; so to say they look conspicuous would be right on. 

I know the feeling.

Standing out so to be clearly visible.

Attracting notice or attention.

I get it. 

I was sharing this with her tonight and I just felt the need to blog about it, too. (The sudafed is keeping me awake, too). (And did I mention the quiet house?) I LOVE ME A QUIET HOUSE!

So here's the thing. At first, being a Conspicuous Family annoyed me. I felt like it was nobody else's right to ask about my family. I was protective. Of course, my adopted child was a one-year old, so I let it go- she wasn't paying attention. But now that one-year old is seven. And she is listening very carefully to everything I say to everyone. And she's also listening to everything everyone else says, too.

So I've evolved. (No, not really, like from monkeys- who believes THAT?) I'm not as protective because here's the thing. Adopted kids need to know that they are loved just like bio kids. And most of the time, in the family, that's where they are going to feel it and know whether or not it's actually true. And yes, there is a world full of people that don't know any better than to open their mouths and ask things because they are just so stinking curious that they must know about your family. 

Use that. 

Use the opportunity being a Conspicuous Family gives you. 

Use it to preach the gospel to your children.

Use it to preach the gospel to the people staring at you in amazement.

Use it to preach the gospel to the waitress, the clerk, the teenager, the pizza delivery guy (and yes, he once asked if I ran a daycare at my house).

Be ready with an answer. 

I wish I was better at this. You'd think after six years I'd have this part down. But I don't. I need to work on being ready with an answer. Because I know what I think- I just have a hard time explaining it sometimes!

So I'll share the moment that made me "get" being a Conspicuous Family, the moment when I finally let my guard down and saw it as a beautiful thing instead of something to hide. 

I was on a hayride on Halloween in our neighborhood. Another Caucasian family with two bio daughters had just brought home two Ethiopian siblings about five months earlier and they hopped on the hayride. In the dark, I just sat and stared at them. I stared at the girls. I stared at the parents. Then I stared at the girls again. Then the parents. You get the idea. I was looking at God's design for a broken world to bring wholeness into the lives of orphans. I could relate, I have done this, too! But to see it in front of me like that- it was so beautiful! I couldn't take my eyes off of that family! Yes, they were conspicuous, but they were also glorifying their father in heaven by being a Conspicuous Family!

So I'm embracing it. You know I must be if we are adopting again! And I'm learning how to open my wimpy little mouth and let the Gospel Truth pour out instead of trying to hide that which is attracting notice and attention. 

 

Let's talk about the money...

Have you noticed how many people ask the same question about certain things? For example, when it comes to our choice to homeschool our children, I can't tell you how many times I've heard the question, "What about the socialization?" Or if you have had more than three children, a common question is sometimes, "Are you done yet?" Or something like that. If you've adopted a child that doesn't resemble you, "Are they all yours?" is a common question.  I'm sure you have similar questions in your life regarding your own circumstances, to the unmarried older woman, "You are still single?"; to the married couple past two years without children, "Why don't you have kids yet?"

These questions, while assumed by the asker to be harmless can have a sting to the hearer if it's a struggle, or they can be an open door to the hearer willing to share. In my experience, the question is usually asked from an uninformed perspective. It doesn't take long to discern who is just curious and who really wants to talk about the issue they are asking about. There is usually a polite way of handling both types of questioners.

Well, when you tell people you're adopting internationally, usually the first question is always something along the lines of, "Isn't that really expensive?" Unless you're my dad, and you ask "Carrie, can you handle five kids?" HA!!!

 The blunt answer is "YES!" It's expensive! But it's not like you write one big fat, $50,000 check on day one. The fees are generally small up until the trip to get the child, when you pay the largest sum, depending on your agency fees, which can be anywhere from $10,000 to $15,000. Don't quote me. Agency fees vary. Countries vary. Ethics vary. Situations vary. But the bottom line is that international adoption IS expensive. (And a common misconception is that Domestic Adoption isn't expensive, but lawyer and medical fees can be up to $15,000 as well)!

Because this question is so dominant in many people's minds, I want to shed some light on the subject as it relates to us. I think it's important for you to know what our views of money are as we embark on this journey. So many of you have expressed interest in supporting or partnering with us, and we are thankful for you! We want to be transparent about our approach and our needs.

Our Approach:

WARNING: This section contains OUR views and choices, it in no way is a statement that should be generalized or personalized for the reader. Read with caution and discernment as God wills it for you!

We believe that all of the money that we have is God's money. He gives it to us and gives us wisdom and discernment in how to spend it. Now, don't over spiritualize this and assume that I pray for wisdom as I drive through the Chick-Fil-A to buy my kids dinner. That's a budget thing!

I remember the summer we moved into this house. After living on post in an 1,100 square-foot 1950s era ranch style house for three years, we found a neighborhood we loved in town and built our house! We got to customize much of it, and pick the floor plan as well. We went from living in 1,100 square feet to 2,800! It was a dream come true for me. I love this house. It's awesome! That same summer we moved in, I was reading the book Radical, by David Platt. In it he talks about families moving to smaller homes so they could have smaller mortgages so they could give away more of their money. To say that I felt convicted as I sat in my brand new house would be an understatement. I felt awful! I felt like I had made the biggest mistake of our lives. Now we are slaves to a big fat mortgage because of this big house in a lovely neighborhood! What have I done?

But you know what? This house has been used for God's glory! One thing that I could not do to my gifting in our small house on post was have lots of gatherings. I love to host everything. Hospitality is my thing. But on post I was limited. This house was literally chosen and built to host. We picked it because of the open floor plan and big kitchen/living room area. So God was in it. I'm telling you this to make the point that God allows us to choose different paths for His glory.

We believe that every cent we have was graciously given to us by God and therefore, what we do with it matters to Him.

Also, we've been married for 15 years, so our views of money have evolved (eek!) and changed over the years as well. For example, when we were first married, our view of tithing was pretty strict. We believed 10% was what God required of us. So that's what we did. As our knowledge of God and His Word deepened, we increased our tithe because we could. Does that mean everyone should increase their tithe? Not necessarily. I think that as you study God's Word and as you seek His Will for your situation, He will give you the wisdom to know. He's into freedom like that, you know! It's not the same for everyone.

So our giving has increased and our view of what we are storing up for has also changed. 10 years ago we had lots of savings plans. We saved lots of money as promotions came. We stored up a lot. We were very much in line with the "Retirement Plan" that most people have. Work hard, save money, retire and live off it. Maybe that's not what most people are thinking, but that's what we were thinking.

 I can't tell you when, but over time our views changed. Like I said, they just sort of evolved. God caused our views to change as we spent time in His Word. That's all. It's simple, really. God loves us. God gives us everything we need. Everything. So if God gives us everything we need, then saving is a safety net we are building for ourselves so we don't have to trust God.

We just kind of came to this place where we decided that instead of saving our money, we would exercise faith that God WILL provide WHEN the times comes, and we would give away the extra. For us, part of this "giving away" is adopting again.

Eeeeeekkkk. Even as I type this I'm wondering if I should be so transparent. The danger in sharing this information with you all is that you will think we are amazing or stupid or wonderful. And then it becomes about US and not about what God is doing. And that's why I keep repeating myself here. What WE do with our money isn't a litmus test for what you should be doing with yours.

And let me be even one more level of "transparent" here: When I say "WE," please don't get the impression that we sit down together and have this cheery little chat with warm, spiritual fuzzies regarding money. The conversations usually go like this in our home:

ME: Babe, what do you think about fundraising for our upcoming adoption? There are some great websites out there that make it super easy now!
CHRIS: Oh, I was thinking we would just use that savings we had to fund a majority of it.
ME: WHAT?!!? ARE YOU KIDDING?? Hold on, I can't talk about this right now. I'm too upset.
CHRIS: What? Did I say something wrong?

What are you called to? Where do the heart strings pull and tug in YOUR life? I guess that's the question we all have to answer as believers. What does God want you to do with the money he's given you, the spouse he's given you, the house he's given you, the children he's given (or not given, or given and taken away from you), the single-ness he's given you?

Ultimately he wants to use EVERY SINGLE RESOURCE He has given you to glorify Him. So ask yourself, "Does what I'm doing with *fill in the blank* glorify God right now?" If not, then go to the Word and dig in and get the answers you're looking for from the Holy Spirit himself. If yes, then move to the next question. Ask yourself these questions about your spouse, your children, your choices, your budget, your time with God, He's all over it.

Last night, I came across this this 6-minute audio "How to Handle Panhandlers," by John Piper about how believers should respond to panhandlers. I know it doesn't really have much to do with this blog post about our finances and how expensive international adoption is, but Piper makes the excellent point that giving is always about the intrinsic nature of our hearts. He says that our hearts are by nature selfish. So true. My heart always chooses me, always chooses my way, always chooses the path of least resistance. (See conversation example above!) I somehow connected this short clip with what I've been talking about. Piper touches on important ideas about giving.

One more book that has been influential in our lives is The Treasure Principle: Unlocking the Secret of Joyful Giving, by Randy Alcorn. Read it if you want to take an honest, heart-probing look at giving joyfully.

I would like to thank Mark Oshman for urging me to write this post. Okay, he didn't say, "Carrie, I think you should write a stream of consciousness blog post about money that rambles on and barely makes sense of your thoughts!" He did respond to my earlier blog post about How to Partner With Us as we pursue another adoption, and he basically said that coffee and monogrammed bags are cool, but what if we just want to GIVE you money straight up? (At least I think that's how he said it, sort of.) :)

Of course, those of you that want to give directly may do so. You can write a check and mail it to us, or you can use the DONATE button at the bottom of this post and give through Paypal online. (This is a first for me, so modern)!

And we want you to know that your partnership is a blessing. It humbles us as we obey God's call to grow our family through another international adoption. It humbles us to see your generosity, your like-mindedness, and YOUR heart for adoption.

How to partner with us as we adopt again!

Many of you are interested in partnering with us as we pursue another adoption. Thank you! It means so much to our family to know you are supportive of our call to adopt internationally again!

The first fundraising opportunity will not close like a party. It's a shop that is open 24/7. Anytime you need coffee, you can order.  Check out our storefront at  Just Love Coffee and stock up anytime! 

The second opportunity is to shop for the next two weeks at my Thirty-One Party- my good friend, Laura K. (former MOPS steering team buddy) is donating all of her commission to our adoption. So get some cute bags, birthday gifts, whatever! Items will arrive in time for Mother's Day and can ship directly to you. Thanks, Laura!

The paperwork process has been on hold while Chris has been away, but hopefully when he gets home we will get to work on things again! 

Thanks for partnering with us!

Re-Do

Everyone needs a re-do at some point. I had to re-do the blog for some reason. It has to do with whose email was registered on which account for gmail, and honestly, I don't really understand it, I just did it so I could start blogging again.

So our new address here on the blogosphere is Abraham Family Blog

I have had a few ideas swirling around in my mind to write about and of course when I sit down and finally start to write (in a quiet house!) I can't think of any of them.

If you didn't read the first three posts, you can read them here, Hearts at Home.

An update on the adoption process- we just sent in our official contract with All God's Children International so we are officially under contract with them and will begin assembling our Dossier soon.

We are just delighting in God's providence and provision for us as we obey his call to adopt again. And I really mean that. I'm not just saying that to sound good. We both have peace, have managed to get a lot of the harder paperwork done without too much anxiety (home study), and have joyfully written the $$$$$ checks to accompany all of it. That is when you know you're right where God wants you- the sweet spot of obedience and joy.

I like it here.